Lotuses and Tapirs~

To start with, the title is not meaningless.
It's a very special individuals' flow of thought.
If compared to this entry however, yes it is meaningless.

I still get dreams of being ultimately helpless.
"Maybe i'm going crazy" have crossed my mind afew times.
Maybe I am.
Maybe the world is and i'm not instead.
Our definition of crazy itself is crazy.
What right do we have to say what is crazy and what isn't?

Weird and an outcast.
Strange and uncategorized.

I'm not very open i know. Even if i tried to open up.
I'm sure alot of people i'm really close to knows i haven't really opened up to them.
All but a forbidden friendship.

The first snow to fall on a flower is where two people met.
Always longing, always lonely.
Their dark life only blooms when they meet.
Thinking of the future, their ideal future.
Creating fantasies of happiness.
But that is only fantasy.
They know it's not possible.
They know it won't happen.
But even if, for a moment, they could take the weight of their world off their shoulders,
Risking the destruction of their own hearts,
It would be worth it.
Life would have a meaning then.
What little they shared is more beautiful than things most of us would ever experience.

どこ　が　わたし　の　しあわせ　です　か？
あなた　が　わたし　の　しあわせ。
でも、　どこ　が　あなた　です　か。。。？
わたし　に　あなた　を。

Ahem~

The entry below, doesn't mean jack.
The title says it all.

So.... uh.. ignore...it?
Too lazy to delete.

Under the influence~

If i was a donkey, will you ride me?
If i was a car, will you drive me?
How can one heart fall in two holes?
How can emotions take control?
Fuck mood swings. Fuck the world.

Set me free from these chains that binds me.
Binds me to the realm of reality.
Set me free from my own desires.
Set me free from your laws and rules.
Set me free from system, your world.
Set me free from your own people.

May my Angel forgive for what i've done in this world.

Deaths~

It's that feeling again.
That mood...
Sleepless night.
Random thoughts.
An inevitable problem that you can't see yet.

Dreams of being helpless.
Shortened temper.

I'm taking up to a minute to write each line.

Self expression... feeling the need to express myself.
Not the faintest idea how.
Next year will be a very lonely year.
I can't wait for the year after.

Greetings to all of you.
Thanks for reading up to here.
I'm still holding on.
I'm still all right.
Stay alive ya?
Alive and well.

みな しね~

The world, my world, the whole of my world, is constipated.
It could give me shit on a regular basis, but No, it would rather pile it all up and one day drop a bomb on me.

And as we know it, shit tends to stick together. When one thing falls out of place, the rest, sometimes irrelevant and has no relation whatsoever to the first, would as well, fall out of place.

The chain goes on and on and on. Until your whole world seems to be out of place.

Which somehow got me thinking about blogs, bloggers and the whole concept behind it.
Some want to blog, some need to, others feel the need to.
To let it out? To be heard?

One thing's for sure, happy people don't blog.

I'm not happy?
I don't think i am. Not lately. If i was happy, i won't be writing about it.


And so here we are, birds of different feather,
Jack of all trades, but master of none (master of one, for me)
Those who gather not to find similarities, but accept differences.
Curious people. Moving ahead and learning while at it.
We're grateful for each individual who understands our concept, and finds eat appealing to them.
An island in the ocean of fools.
An island in the society.

Or maybe it's just me who feels that way.

Visitors~

I hate it when people like to argue.
I hate it when you ask a question, and they try to force their answers on you.

You ask for an opinion, they give an OPINION. Then they belittle yours without proper reasons and give the whole, "if you don't see the greatness and completeness of my answer compared to the worm of yours, you're an idiot"

What do you say to people like that?
Seems like they've gone insane.
You can see that their mind is at a place you can't reach. Simply because it's too far away. So, why bother? You tried, you failed, you had nothing to lose, you lost nothing. (Wasted time though...)

To all you smart people out there. Wise and smart... c'mon, you know who you are.....
If you think you're under that category, then yes, i'm talking to you.

A big "Fuck you!" to all of ya. Like a famous chicken once said (you know, the one that crossed the road? Yea.. THAT chicken. The one colonel sanders couldn't get his hands on)
Anyway, the chicken, in his words, "Puck, puck, puck....PUCKER! MUTTER PUCKER!"

Only those who are wise would realise how little they know.

"Pathetic" is the word of the week.

Fuel~

Anger seems to be my only fuel.
I have nothing to write about ever since i stopped having things to be angry about.
I can tell from now that this entry will be short.

Very Short.

Discriminatin' R' Us~

That's the thing about being religous isn't it?
If you try too hard, and not make it there, you'll get stuck half way.
Getting stuck halfway is the position people become ignorant at.
I have respect for religous people for whatever religion they believe in.
It's the devotion and the commitment they're able give to something based on faith.

A certain Christian individual pissed me off to almost no end. Right in front of me, Foo and his girl.

So arrogant, so ignorant, so "religous".
Your religion has taught you so much, yet you learn so little.
You try too hard you've become blind.
Your excellent ways are they ways we don't do because we already know it doesn't work.
A child of 17.
A small child of 17.
If i hadn't known him better (and the fact that i was in his house, in his room) his ass would have been tied off the balcony. (i could get sadistic and make him lick my feet in front of his younger brother...)

My mind's a bluc.
I haven't been getting enough rest.

Fuck the world.

Fear~

Fear of changes, fear of changes in the world, fear of changes of a person, fear of changes in a person.

I have no fear for changes.
But that might change.

Today will be cherished, today will be remembered. There's a chance tomorrow that today will be pointless.

Today, unlike any other days last year, i was happy. Today meaning yesterday since it's 17 minutes into a new day.

Tomorrow i will remember that today i was happy. Today i reached a level i fought to reach for years.

Ignorantly happy perhaps.

Fear for tomorrow.
Fear of fearing tomorrow.
Fearing fear itself.

By popular demand~

Yea. Skinny. Old picture. Shuttafuckup. 


BOOO YAAAAAARRGHH!!!

Keeping to my words~

This is NeoWakko~ 

Bullet Time~

I'm sure most of you knows what bullet-time is.
Especially gamers.
I believe that bullet-time is a state of mind. It can be activated and deactivated at will. It is a skill, an ability.
It needs to be warmed up first though, and maintained.

Any of you exercise your bullet-time?
Doubt it.
I used to.
Fun while it lasted.

But years later (i.e NOW), i've slowed down. My panic point dropped afew units.
I blank out under pressure.

It was different before.
The more pressure i was under, the more my bullet-time was pushed.
I would be in control when others have blanked out.
I didn't call it bullet-time at that time though. The name came after a certain movie...

Today my bullet time failed me.
I allowed someone slip and fall off the stairs, which would be easy to stop before.
Not only that, i panicked, and grabbed A leg. Yes, just one leg, i was still holding that leg when the head was near the floor. Very retarded indeed.

I remember noticing that if something you care for is in the line of destruction, the better your bullet time will function.
So if a loved one was getting shot, can you see the bullet?

Emotions to words~

What goes on my blog hardly ever comes from my head.
My head's just a translator. The source is my emotions.

I noticed that whenever i sit here, in front of the computer, emotionless, there's hardly anything to write about.

Emotionless, but for so long? Compare the date between this entry and the previous.
An eventful week. Or weekend.
Eventful, but i won't write it here. I don't see any purpose or benefit from doing so.

A number of people says that i write funny. Or weird.
What exactly is funny or weird about my style of writing?
Maybe Shahriman can shed some light?
Awfulviolet as well?

I know i'm abit behind on putting up my pictures.
I blame only myself. No one else... and Foo as well, cause he said he'll upload the damn pics. So i blame myself and myself only, but you guys can blame him.

Just remembered something that aggravates rage.

Tied to a track,
A train of dissappointment is on its' way.
You loosen the ropes that binds you.
Both of them, approaching slowly.
Time, surprisingly, doesn't slow down.
You have all the time in the world.
But in reality, you're still tied up,
And the train is coming.
Each day will eat you away.
Each moment spent away distracting yourself.
From the reality that is,
You, tied on track.
Train, coming.

Revolving~

So much time has passed, and in a way, i still seem to end up in the same position.
I do the same mistakes, react the same way.
I've walked a great distance to change, taking the same change of direction that took me around a big circle.

Tonight, i'm back where i started since the last time i felt like this.
Today, the best description of me can be found in a song.

"Letters" by Utada Hikaru.

Letters describes both me and my other self. The song, the music, the emotions. Not the lyrics. I think the concept of "words being cheap" plays a bigger role in me than i expected.

The days drive me to proceed with life, to move on, to be better. But in the end, the sun will set and the night sky and all under it would be humbled by the beauty of the moon. Humbled me to realise my position, where i stand.
Humbled to bring out emotions i hid behind the cover of sunlight. Emotions and thoughts that could easily pierce through my heart and mind.

But the night leaves me exposed to all. Without ilusional barriers to hide behind.

Hidden questions began to surface. Questions which tease my curiosity. Curiosity which would eventually drive me to find the answers.

Although i've walked a circle, i have grown since i was last back in this position.

The Void Again~

I've spent the last 2 years trying to create the right ambience, atmosphere to life. Which, recently, i've realised that i managed to do so.

Two years of work. I spent two years thinking about it, wishing i had it, hoping that it would last.
What i've created is about to come to an end.
Without realising it, it was there. Soon after, it's going away.
This is one topic i would not go into details with, for doing so may upset the very few.....or not.

Surges of emotions of disappointments with a hint of betrayal.

"Lose what you create" can make no one comfortable.

Work on a project, complete it, destroy it, start over.

Life itself goes on no matter what.

Cursed to cry in a different language.

Doomed to walk the aftermath.

Friends of pleasure, seeked by sorrow.

An invisible book thay lay wide open.

New Mail~

My new email address.
It friggin rocks man.

neowakko@hellokitty.com

For real.

That's it.
No updates.
No idea for an update.

Announcement~

Since more and more people are having access to my blog,
I think i'll open it up abit more.

I'll start with having a picture of me.

It's a big step for me in blogging.
I've never done that before.
Never thought i would.

20 days and counting.

Wintermaul Wars

All right then. I'll be a man of my words. 


This is a picture of the fool who beat me in Wintermaul Wars.
We struck a deal, the defeated will put the other up on his blog.

There's a perfectly good explanation for that.
His towers were cheaper than mine by a mile but the damage wasn't that different.
A serious advantage.
I could put the income = expenditure graph in here to show you guys what i mean.
His level of equilibrium was much lower than mine thus easier to achieve.

Cheap man. Very cheap.
There will be total ownage next round.
The only way out for you, is my ass.

Words~

"You're so precious. You're not alone. I love you, i care about you, and i am honored to be here with you"

Words that most people need to hear. Even better if whoever said it was honest.
A very small percentage of us are priviledged with hearing these words.
Most of us are well aware of how cheap words are.
It costs us almost nothing to say something like that.
That's what i keep in mind. It costs me almost nothing to say it, it costs the same for everyone.

Words, are cheap.

There is however, a language that does not use words.
One of those things i realised when i was 5.
A language most of us only know how to use with words.
The drawback is that you can only communicate with your other you with this language.
Words represent this language.
Without this language you won't have words to say.

Can you think without words?

Yes you can. More accurately in fact.

You need proof for words. But emotions speaks for itself.
Feelings speaks for itself.
Your actions stands alone.

"You're so precious. You're not alone. I love you, i care about you, and i am honored to be here with you"

Means so little now.

Sabishii

I end up staring into space and getting flashbacks from all the sabishii around me.
My mind's so blank, i was staring at the sentence above for awhile. Trying to find a way to continue it.
Couldn't find any ways, so i didn't.

On to pressing matters.
... There's none. Ended up staring at that phrase above for abit as well.
I think my muse has been getting too many MC's of late.
It comes on and off.
I wish i could be writing something that's worth reading.

But that's how it goes isn't it?
I start with writing something that means nothing, then it would somehow lead to something worth reading.

...nope. still nothing.
Alot of time has passed since i typed out the first line of this entry.

Right now i'm thinking about clicking on the "publish" button.
If i end up clicking it, i'm sorry for writing up such a pathetic entry.
Will i click the button?
Dum dee dum...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~*drumrolls*~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can't sleep~

I got woken up early in the bloody morning.
Can't seem to get back to sleep.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
Just can't find one for this yet.

I was sick for a week. A really heavy fever. Today, everything's still sort of a blur. My reflexes slowed down, everything is dream-like.
Can't wait to recover.

A window opened for a little bird last night. Into my blog.
Took me ages to deide wether or not i should open that window.
I've been thinking of opening that window since my "Driving Ms Dew" entry.

So little bird, welcome. What we talked about last night will be in the back of my head at all time.
You can't write any of it in here though.

Private stuff.

Had a dream about throwing explosive batteries. Had a dream about being a prince again. My underwear's too tight. Foo got hooked. He's a friggin movie addict. He's into this girl who, up until last night, reminds me of Alicia Keys. He likes short skirts. He's going to kill me when he reads this.

I havent' been mentioning names in here of late, doesn't mean i don't remember you guys. A shout out to Freyja, who's rockin up UK on behalf of most of us, Erna the playa who got engaged. I still can't believe it. Shiawase who i see every day, Mari the bimbo who did something stupid, (how cliche was that sentence....)

Those i didn't mention, i DID forget about you. That's why your name isn't innere.

Angelic companions

And God said that for every man and woman he created, he gave them an angel companion who waits in heaven. The angels wait patiently, looking forward to judgement day and the time they would be united with their human counterparts.

In heaven they wait, watching. Countless angels - one for each of us that had ever existed.

Your angel watches your every move from where she stands. Waiting and even prays for your well-being, always caring. A creature "so beautiful you would lust for no other" made to your specification and reserved entirely for no other.

Your angel shares your pain and sorrow. Although rare, she also feels your happiness. Inhumanly human emotions makes her curse those who mistreats you, pushing them farther away from their happiness.

Someone is looking after you. There's always someone. Never forget that.

Watashi no...shiawase...doko desu ka?

Side profile of my negligence~ 

My dear Sera

Today at 1700 hours was the day and time i destroyed the faith we have upon each other.
Today i admit that i have been neglecting my responsibilities towards you.
Today i have, without a doubt, dissappointed you.

My dear Sera. I am so ashamed for what i've done. Damn the rain. Damn the slippery road.
DAMN THE KANCIL.

Slippery road. Lost control. Banged my Sera into the back of a Kancil that popped out onto the road in front of me.
It was either that car or the SUV.

Managed to save the headlights.

Just need to replace the hood and front bumper.

My beautiful Toyota Sera...
I'm gonna miss it. Wonder how long it's gonna take to fix it up.
Maybe even change it to a manual. Auto's starting to piss me off.

Aye, funny how yesterday Foo and happyfuck got banged in the back by some bimbo in a parking lot.
Two weeks ago eclipse played chicken with a four-wheeler - and lost.
Awfulviolet played chicken with a motorbike - and won.

What. A. Beautiful. Month. This. Is. Going. To. Be.

Oh. It was my first accident by the way. My "Probationary" licence is gonna expire in TWO days.

If it's God's will~

My dream of dreams.
Unforgettable.
I'll never forgive myself should i forget about this.
Neither will she.


"Friday, the 21st of June.
I had to write this one down. So i won't forget.

Today i slept. From 10.30am to 12 noon. Dreamt of being with a girl in her world.
But within that time i spent 3 months there with her. 3 whole months that flew by like 30 seconds.
She lived in a world where people could breathe underwater and one month there is 30 minutes here.
So i spent 3 months with her. And all i remembered are 10 seconds from each month.
I had this thing following me around. I guess it brought me to her. A chance to meet that girl. The only chance in a billion lifetimes.
She was so happy to see me. It was the happiest face i've ever seen, and it was because of me. My presence. You will never find a face that reflects infinite happiness such as the one she carried at that moment.
She seemed so eager to show me around. Her world. She cooked every meals i had there. EVERY single one of them. And i was glad to taste them. We slept on the same bed, just holding one another. And it was just the two of us, endlessly feeling accomplished to be able the spend time together.

She even brought me to her friends's party. It was a 2 month swim away. Her house was half dry and half underwater. The main entrance is on the floor. And i remembered how she was asking me my opinions on what she should wear. I was underwater and she went up to change, and jumped back down. And i remembered holding my breath until i was saying something to her and she said, "why are you talking with air in your lungs? i can't make out what you're saying!" So i let it all out and then damn! i could breathe underwater!

So when she got her chosen piece of clothing, we started off on our 2 months swim. Clear water and white sands. It was an adventure! A journey! We swam and swam and slept in underwater caves and the people there are nice! We just said hello and asked them for some food and they invited us to have a meal with them!

So we got to her friend's party.. and it was on a ship. I remembered one part of the ship that there was alot of adults getting drunk and stuff. And something about the captain going funny.. We had to take him out.
The next thing i knew.. My time was up..

The thing following me around told me everything. That i came from a different world. Far..far from here. A distance no human could travel. And that i have to go home soon. My body is waking up.

I asked it if i could stay and it said that my body will die if it wakes up before me. And i could feel myself waking up.
I remembered the moment it told her that i had to leave. The tears that poured out. She knew i was coming, she knew who i was, what i am to her, but not when i was leaving. She cried and cried and asked why i had to leave. I told her about my life in this world. There are things i couldn't leave behind. I wanted to tell her everything i had in my head.. and that i didn't even know her.

She didn't know what to say and she couldn't say anything. She was ultimately speechless. It was too much for her to accept. She broke down and i carried her to a place for her to rest. All her friends were trying to comfort her. I went to the building where i was supposed to go to. It would take me home. The thing that followed me around was telling me to hurry up. We talked as i made my way up the stairs.

"So you brought me here?"
"Yes i did, everyone deserves a chance. I brought you here because your chance was denied from you. There's no other way."
"How far am i from home?"
"Unimaginable."
Then we walked in silence. I needed time to let it all settle in my head.
"She's the reason i'm here?"
The thing kept quiet.

I could feel my body, lying on the bed~

"Who was she anyway?"

My eyes creaked open~
I was waking up. Before everything disappears i heard its' voice.
Incredibly faint. Almost as if it was a thought from inside my own head.

"Your soulmate" "

-NeoWakko 21st June, 2002


I spent one and a half hours with my soulmate in this lifetime.
Chances are that it won't happen again.

How about you?

Lifetime-line~

How do people keep track of their lives?
How do you keep track of your life?
Some go through photo albums or videos.

"A picture paints a thousand words"

Yes, but a thousand words of a moment. Just one moment. A flash. Milliseconds of your life.
A millisecond of your life takes a thousand words to describe.

I found an old journal of mine. A tiny black and green notebook that i used to let everything out on. It used to hold a picture of someone. Supposed to hold a picture of another.
The last thing i wrote in that notebook:

"You see, the mind is like a river. It grows long, it goes deep. The deepest part of the river is the strongest foundation of our minds. Since this is the early part of the river, it is the early part of our lives - a child's foundations.
Now this river, as it gets longer, changes the direction it flows through - the path of the growing mind.
When i think, my thoughts spread finding the answer. The problem is, my thoughts - the water held by the river, spreads too much and reached too far by force that it seeps through the soil and dissappears - collapsed by the plains of my own mind.
What i need to do is focus. Collect my thoughts together and form a powerful flow towards the answer"

Reading that book takes me back to the days~
It made me think of the things i would change should i was given a second chance.

"The most painful lesson i have learnt so far - Life itself goes on"
-NeoWakko. 13th of May, 2001.

It's been three years?
Three years since i first placed a piece of my mind in that book.
Alot can happen in three years. Three years can bringabout uncountable amount of changes.

If i have one wish, I wish i was 5 years old with my current mind intact.
(And the ability to control time. Slow it down, speed it up, etc. But that's not the point....)

I'm sure most of you have at one point of time wished for a second chance at life. I'm sure you would love to be 5 years old again with your current mind intact. Do things you should've done before.

If you're reading this, you must have made that sort of wishes before.

I had a dream when i was 5. I was a curious little boy. So curious i kept on wondering what it would be like when i grow up.
So curious it doesn't leave my head. I think and think and think about it.
One day, i fell asleep and dreamt all this.
Dreamt so fast that time itself slows down for me thus making this life seems longer.
The dream feels to be going by normal time, but in real life, it's just flashing by.
Here i am, typing away things about my life.
Hoping that my 5 year old self is dreaming it all up.
Hopefully he'll wake up soon and remember everything.

Life was great when i was 5. Answers to my questions come to my head. They come out of nowhere.
I'm almost convinced that i was smarter at 5 than i am now.

To my 5 year old self. I would like to say that i haven't forgotten you. I know you, and i know that i am almost completely different from you. I wish i was you and i wish i was in your position. I envy you, i respect you.

If everything is a dream, if i am just a character in your dream, I know you won't have the heart to wake up.
You've seen me grow for 14 of my years. I can understand that.
But please do consider my part.
Should all this be your dream, should you wake up and make my whole existence disappear, well i think that now is an excellent time to wake up.

Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up.

And live your life in ways i should have.

Nite.

Kaiwa!~

Road Traffic~

Why does this country have such horrible road management?
They love the traffic-causing roundabouts and have them everywhere!
It's such a pain in the ass to get stuck in a roundabout that is going nowhere.
The future is with flyovers. Not roundabouts. Flyovers that don't cross each others' pass, cause during rush hour, people slow down to change lanes to cross over. The slowing down of traffic builds up and extends quite far.
Toll booth is another pathetic traffic causing factor. There are toll booths EVERYWHERE!
You are made to cue up for an insanely long time and at the end of it, you pay them. There must be a more efficient way to take our money. We have no time for toll booths! We're wasting so much time because the government is inefficient. In planning and values.
Third, ..........slow drivers.
Some drivers drive so slow they should get arrested for causing traffic.
It's amazing how slow they can get on a FRIGGIN highway.
Earlier today there was this dude on the fast lane, driving at 60km/h on an empty road.
If they're going to drive so slow, they should drive on the emergency lane. With hazard lights or a stop sign on its' ass. Cause at the speed you're going on a highway, that car seems stationary.

Don't hog the highway.
Don't hog the road.
Quickly get on it and quickly get off it. There are plenty of other people who wants to use it as well. The road can't fit all of us.

Don't be an ASS. Don't be a FRUITCAKE. The government should do something smart about roads.... like.... a minimum speed limit for specific lanes.
Actually, take off the speed limit!
If we can't handle the speed we're at and crash and die, that's one less idiot off the road!
It's not like they're really implementing it anyway.
I should go on a middle fingering rampage.
Give everybody the finger, then drive off. And hopefully they'll speed up and try and catch me.
That would ease the traffic.

Me.
NeoWakko the Road Ninja.

Bimbos For Dummies~

Ever been called a Bimbo before?

Ever done great things that goes nowhere?

Always doing things without reasons?

Well you have come to the right place!

You're a bimbo and you know it,

Clap your hands.

You're a bimbo you don't know it,

Clap your hands.

You're a bimbo and you know it,

You just don't know how to show it,

Sing along and don't forget to

Clap your hands.

If you're driving without gas

Smack your head.

If you let guys grab your ass

Smack your head.

If you've done what i've just said

You're a bimbo soon you're dead

Sit back and just let someone else

Smack your head.

Don't want to be a bimbo no more?

Click here for an eye-opener.

Yes, Awfulviolet, If i can make money using other people's work, I probably will.

(I send bimbos to your blog all the time. To unbimbonize them.)

MWAAAHAAHAAHAHAHAAAA

BATTLE!

It starts with me. Then i split into two. Somehow a subconscious me would just watch the both of me.
I think i'm right while I think i'm wrong.
Battling against myself. All the time.

It happens to everyone. But they seem to accept everything that happens to them or about them as "normal". I have a problem. I never seem to think i'm normal. I think differently tho, I think i'm just paranoid and i'm actually quite normal. Sometimes I think i need help but I think i can do well by myself.
I wonder why I do this all the time but I know that the reason is because it fascinates me.

Change
Changes occur all the time. We do not play God with anything. We just accept changes by adapting. Without adaptation, there is no life. If adapting wasn't so important, we'll still be monkeys.
So, change. Adapt. Adaptation is the key to survival. You are not God, you are not powerful. You're only human. Humans have their limits and capabilities.
It's not always an easy task, adapting. Sometimes you do need to make sacrifices.
Sometimes you need to suffer.
There's a price tag for everything. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
Even for things such as time and attention. Especially from me.

Me me Me me Me me Me me Me me Me me Me me Me

Freyja should start working on The Chronicles of NeoWakko.

Atana called. Talking to her right now.
Not as bad as i expected.
I am so damn neutral.
"N"

"Immobilized by the sight of you,
Paralyzed by the sight of you,
I'm hypnotized by the words you say,
Not true but i believe them anyway~"

Anger is still the best fuel for me.

Surprise....ed

Atana came back.
She was overseas and came back.
For a holiday.
Have to say i was, for a moment there, stunned by the number that appeared on my handphone.

Hesitated to pick it up, but did. Partly regret doing so.
Feelings and emotions aside, well, Atana came back.
Of all days. Of all times. She just had to turn up at the worst possible time.

On the other hand, i heard Erna's romantically involved with someone for real.
Tatoo removal and everything.
Good one Erna.

May your days proceed in this direction.
You look nicer without your glasses.

End of today's entry.

Another thing. Let's try and assume what Atana's been up to.
She's a typical popularity-seeking girl who listens to mainstream music. Yes. Mainstream. Those absolutely pointless "songs" that is not "cool" unless it has some kind of bad-ass attitude or about amazing sexual attractions.
She's a victim of the mentality of the minor majority. A sucker for the "In" thing.
If suicide was the "IN" thing, she'd most likely be dead by now.
She can't take care of herself. That we know for sure.
She loves male attention a bit too much. No matter how much she tries to deny it.
Flirtatous is her socializing style.
I don't like the direction she's heading in life. Tried to change it. Failed. Getting out of the picture before the fecal matter hits the fan.
Her parents are paranoid for her with good reasons.
Her parents are racist and should read my entry titled Genki Dashite~.
Hell. Print it out and hang it in the living room.
She still sounds the same.
Talks the same. Reacts to the same things.
A bigger bimbo than Mari.

Kutabare~

Blog VS Real Life

My journal holds my thoughts. My thoughts are doorways to my mind.
My mind is the single most valuable entity i hold so dear.
It is mine, it belongs to no one else. (Total OWNAGE!!! non-gamers probably won't understand what it means tho)

If you know me and you have access to this blog, then you have been granted permission to know what i think beyond my actions. It may be the "real" me but i don't think such a thing has been discovered.

Having access to my blog means you're closer to me than the great majority of people that i know.
I wouldn't bring you closer to me should you be my enemy.

Since you are not an enemy of mine, then you are my ally.
An ally in our battle of life.

As an ally, you thereby have certain respectable qualities that i admire.
It's unlikely for me to tell you what it is though, that would spoil the fun.

No matter how personal this blog gets, no matter how much of my mind i put into it, it is respect for you all that your personal problems or life story remains confidential.
I admit that different people see different stories written in this blog.
If you don't know what i'm talking about, it's because you're not supposed to.
"Keeper of secrets" aye? (Credit to Shahriman who taught me a great deal of self-expression and plagiarism. Haha!)

Out of respect, i do not talk badly about you in this blog. I'd rather save it for the next time we meet.

This entry goes out to all of you.

I do appreciate comments.
I sort of feel lonely when i check back and don't see any.
So come one, spoil me with comments.

Off the tip of my tongue, into his blog.

Again, Shahriman who is the king of his Demented Reality managed to write out things i wish i had.
Like the song "This Love" by Maroon 5, a song most musicians wished they could claim as theirs.
One of the reason i started blogging is to improve my self expression.
I had a talk with Serraph, Freya and Ranshii about this ages ago.
Tried to tell them about my selfish, self-centered way of thinking.
Check out his blog if you want to know what i mean.

Freya

This is a post that's slightly behind schedule. This post was supposed to be up 48 hours ago. I didn't know how to write it out so it took 48 hours to think it through. Not like 48 hours made any difference though.

Freya left the country 2 days ago. For good. Like Erna.
I'm okay with it. For now. The thought of it hasn't struck me yet. It still feels like i'm going to see her this friday.
Things will definitely change. The weekend group will be different. It might even be gone.
Sad.
This year is full of changes. Erna and Freyja gone.

I've known Freyja since 2000. We've been close since 2001.
I forsee myself writing another entry about her when the reality of it all kicks in.
Right now i can't even decide between writing about how she was when she was here or writing about how big the gap she left in us.
Maybe the first one. Cause the gap she left is huge.

Freyja saved me from alot of trouble. Trouble that i brought upon myself. She's my walking dictionary. She's in denial about her race so we like to poke fun at that.
Freyja's always there for me. To make me realise what a stupid thing i've done and our conversations normally go to a debate, questions... and an "oh crap" from me.
Debate.
Debating is one of the best ways i learn something.
Freyja's one of the best debater.
Argh it's slowly gettin into my head.
I can feel a gap half existing, becoming more real the more i think about it.

She's not really gone though. There's always the internet.
Still...

Dinner

Mari was excused from college. They told her that her results weren't up to standards so they let her off. Bullshit. This is a flaw in the college's education system.
We're all still good though.
Went for dinner with Shiawase, Foo and Mari.
Mari knew the spot.
Mari knew the what's good.
Mari knew the price.
What Mari didn't know is that Foo and I, ..........oh man....... WE DIDN'T you BIMBO.
I swear when the bill came, we kept the food from shooting out of our noses.
I was almost certain that we didn't have enough.
But we did.
And generous your parents are for paying us 100% of 127.5%.
As i have said before, things get easy when you mention my name.
Even i am surprised by how true it is.

Atana. Mari mentioned her the other day. News that didn't surprise me. More or less expected it.
She's still far away all by herself, and i assure you, she has dissappointed many.
Many many many many.

Hoshi ni negai wo.

More and more people are starting to have access to my blog.
It's almost scary just thinking about it.

The Ranshii Concept.

I'm surprised i haven't mentioned Ranshii here.
He's a friend of mine whose analytical skills can be quite...intimidating.
Ranshii does not seem to think much of answers, he believes that questions is the key to finding answers. Answering them is just a way to find the next proper question.

I'm not sure if i explained the concept properly but from a conversation i had the other day, it changed the way i see things.
Desires, wants, reasons.
The Ranshii concept took me to question my answers to a point that i no longer have reason for doing so, which makes them seem pointless now.
Its an easy concept really. The main question to ask seems to be "why?".

Why do you study?
To get good grades.
What for?
To get a good job, make money. Support future family.
What's so important about that?
To fit into society.
Why would you want to fit into society?
Because it's what's expected from you.
By who?
Parents i guess.
So you study because of your parents?
Hmmm.... i guess since you put it that waay....

Note: Apologies to Ranshii if i didn't really manage to explain your concept. Cause i think i messed up somewhere.

Since today's topic is Ranshii, might as well...
I salute you for your ways of cleaning up that place.
Like what Sakano said, We owe you 50 and a new shirt.
Cause i threw away your shirt today. Smelled like something died in the car.
I'm going to check on it once in awhile tho. From far, far away.

The river of mood.

19:30
Mood.
Moood.
Mooood.

I'm a slave to my mood. Not a servant, for a servant has a choice.
I want apples today but tomorrow i want oranges.
I speak many words about me that tells you nothing.
I talk about you like you're not in front of me.

~~~~
20:30
I feel like deleting that paragraph above. I wrote it down about an hour ago.
There's 24 hours in a day, the average person would be asleep for the first 6 hours and the last 2.
24 hours in a day, and the average person is active for the remaining 16 hours.
Imagine mood swings every hour. Not major mood swing. (oh look, a cute little doggy.... hello doggy! Do you want some fist in your mouth?! Die you incubator!)
Just a slight change... enough to play with your values. (Know what i've been craving for? I've been craving for McDonalds'. Let's go to Burger King)
Sixteen times a day.

Maybe i'm in denial. Maybe i'm intrigued by mood swings so i know what to blame the next time i do something stupid.

And the topic for today was..........drumroll...........
me.

Ah~ wat to do, i'm so full of myself. =:p

X

Flonne : Hey did you ever go out with Coco?
Me : Yea, why you ask?
Flonne : No wonder she looks so good now.

Funny thing was that Freyja had this theory that even i notice. Whoever i date would tend to look better. Rin was the last one, and she's looking good now. It dates all the way back to this Norwegian girl i dated in primary.... i think six.

Ah, Serraph has finally confronted his 4-year crush on Flonne. We had the moral chat and everything planned out and left them alone.
It wasn't as bad as we thought. Nothing much tho.

Shiawase

I thought so.
I knew that i did start writing about her. I did give her a name. Her name was Shiawase. It says there on the August 19 post titled "Its good to be back".
Hmm... Shiawase. What's there to say really...
She's someone who went through a rough time ever since they horribly discovered her fathers' death (or um....nvm).
I have to say that i honestly respect her for taking care of herself so well all these years.

I think her stories and stories of her belongs to her. I have no right to write about them for her privacy. Sorry. It would've been a very interesting entry. But i'm not selling her out. I don't think she told me so i could tell the world therefore i won't.
I'm three years and one day older by the way.

Let's change the topic to.... Coco. Her type of people.
She likes to surround herself with the type of guys who "spoil" her.
If she tells one of them a problem concerning another dude, they'll want to beat him up.
Then she'll play the "no don't beat him up~" role. Like someone who meant well and would not want a fight because of her.
Not like it matters, it's not like the fight will take place anyway. They normally back out at the last minute.
Putting that last point aside, why would she tell them in the first place knowing damn well they'll do the "manliest thing they could think of" about it?
Why play the victim after that?
Why play the role of "oh my god things are getting out of hand, i did not intend it to lead to this" knowing damn well that it would lead to that?
Pathetic. BDBU (pronounced Bee Dee Boo)
Back that bullshit up. Haha~

Ah, why am i wasting time with this.
Serraph has finally managed to give Flonne a call. I think he's going to confess. I think it's time she knows how he feels about her. Who cares what that might lead to.
She's leaving the couuntry soon anyway.
He's had feelings for her since, i think, since 2000.
He's always had this "ideal" mentality towards her.
I had to break it. Told him the truth. About how different and in a way, twisted she had become.
Still. Sad story that one.

.Erna.

Somehow i'm not surprised by what Ezqobah told you.
Foo and i still talk about you.
We see things or talk about something and go like, "Hey who does that remind you of?"
Ah, the good week before you left.
The meaning behind the "Same bullshit everyday"
It's 4 in the morning and i got a call about Coco's ex getting beaten up.
I don't mind him getting beaten up, but the reason i was called was because there was a need for audience. How pathetic is that. It's so pathetic that i can't even be bothered to explain in detail about its pathetic-ness. I find that most of the things that happen can only be summarised up as "Same bullshit every day".

That's college tho.
The highlight for the year is that i'm an uncle now.
My eldest sister had just given birth to a baby boy.
Ah, funny thing happened earlier today.
I was in college, got an sms about the baby being "fresh from the oven".
My mom messaged me, the hospital and room number.
Then i went to buy flowers with Foo. So we could give it to my sister.
Everything was all right, we drove down and found parking and everything.
Got out of the car, took the flower, closed the door, locked it, then i got a message from my mom. Saying that my sister's too weak to see anybody.
This was when we were right in front of the hospital.

Which reminds me. Stupid things tend to happen when i hang with Foo.
Sometimes we even feel it coming up.
There's loads of stories about it. 5 from today alone. (Around 5)
It's like fate or something. The stars in the sky, the universe conspires to make sure something stupid happen.
Aye, he's still trying to get Mari. She's such a bimbo. Not hopeless tho. There's still hope. Even for that selfish self-centered immature irresponsible bimbo.
I can't do much. I'm sort of dating her good friend. (Yes, i is. For those of you who fouund out through this blog, keep it to yourself. Don't be bothered about it actually. It's someone i've been itching to write about for awhile now. Didn't know how to bring it up, didn't know how to start. I don't mind people knowing. It's just that some would give me alot of problems i don't need. [ahem...mama])

I havent found a name for her yet.
Apparently, Foo calls Mari "piglet".
Cute.
Very cute.

Oh and Erna, they're friends with your cousin. Yes your cousin. HEEEER.
It was hard keeping a straight face when we had lunch together.

Independance Day.

My country. Independant. It functions and runs without the assistance of a more developed country. It's not colonized by anybody. We're moving forward and advancing by our own capabilities, building together a wonderful nation.
If i lived in such a country, i would be celebrating its Independance day.

Independance day, i think, has lost its purpose. It holds no meaning to the new generations. We don't know what its' all about, we don't seem to care, makes no difference. It has become another holiday, another day to stay up and do something that on other days would've probably caused some problems with the authorities (such as flying big flags on motorbikes with a group of friends). Another reason to party, another reason to blow fireworks, another reason to stay out late.
The government reminds us of our leaders, who made it all possible. The club owners take up the opportunity to squeeze money out of their customers, kids take up the opportunity to be patriotic for the sake of mindless fun.

Pointless.
Pointless is the celebration. We are selfish. We don't care about how our forefathers worked so hard for it. They knew the true meaning of independance.
What are we celebrating? I doubt it has anything to do with the country. We didn't do anything for this independence. We played no part in it. We take it for granted.

Pointless it is.
Ironic how we celebrate independence like mad, but do nothing to make the country or society proud of us.
Pathetic. We don't advance. We probably celebrate it because of our friends.
The country does not make us proud, we don't do the same in return.
If i was to say something about the country that i'm proud of, from the top of my head, it would be pirated CDs.

A Birthday Party~

Went to a birthday party/gathering yesterday at a Japanese restaurant. Japanese food is intrigues me. Raw, fresh, somewhat sweet because of it. The food was great, the company was excellent, the cake had 16 candles burning on top of it. Sixteen, what was i doing when i was 16? I can't remember much.
Foo had sea urchin sushi. I have no idea what made him eat it and probably never will. The look on his face alone could give me more than enough ideas of how it must have tasted.
Damn, i salute thee. You have a stomach much stronger than mine. I mean, i can handle bad appearance, but bad taste as well? Sick man. Hopefully its' healthy...at least.

Erna gave Foo a call the other day. It was nice to hear from her again. I wonder how much she spent on the call. I wonder how much she spent calling everybody on their phones, leaving voice messages. Gawdammit. Come back woman.

Spent the day sawing and chopping wood in our first attempt to make a boken. (Or Bouken, whichever.) Tiring it was, tired i am. We're still far from completion since we didn't really have the necessary equipments. Had to do things the hard way.

Foo's getting romanticly involved with Mari - who is new to this blog. I think. Should be. With my help, of course. Haha~
There's another thing that i wish i could be writing about. But i can't. Not yet anyway. Maybe another time.

"The rhythm of her conversation

The perfection of her creation

The sex she slipped into my coffee

The way she felt when she first saw me

Hate to love and love to hate her

Like a broken record player

Back and forth and here and gone

And on and on and on and on"

~"The Sun" -Maroon 5

Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil.
(2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the
devil.

~Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

It feels good to be back~

Turns out that my recently fixed computer can't go online...yet. I can't log onto this account from a cyber cafe somehow. I can however, do this from the comfort and privacy of......my college computer.

Privacy. My ass. I wonder how many glances these dudes around have taken on my screen. I hate this, I can't seem to go deep enough into my own head in a place with people i don't know well.

But anyway, i'd like to begin with the surprise i got from finding one of my blog entries in Fleur de la Mer's journal. It does feel nice to know my work is appreciated, although i think being able to come up with that is a rare occassion.

I haven't updated in a week. Felt like months. Quite a number of things happened this week. eclipse hooked up with a "nearly an ex" of mine, Desa. (I'm running out of names here.... I'm seriously considering changing Foo to Tick, and if Foo is Tick, the happy f*ck would be TOCK!)

Okay... a VAGUE description of this week...
(Since this computer lab does not put me in the right mood)
Serraph, Flutter, Eclipse, Nihon and I have plans of making wooden katanas. Bokens.
Drifted apart from Rin.
Met Flonne and there's still problems with her "pet brothers".
Got to know Shiawase. Someone i met on monday.
Got punished for smoking in the car. Apparently its' illegal, although everyone does it. I'm supposed to apologize to my mother because its' her car. (Although referred to as my car when something goes wrong or it gets dirty. Misleading. Very confusing as well)
Well then, might as well... apologize to my dad and sister while i'm at it. There's no ash in their cars cause their window was big enough to suck air out at certain part. My mom's car has really small windows. If i ash it out, it would be blown back in. So i used the ashtray.

And no, i'm not anybody's taxi driver. I don't walk through deserts or swim across oceans just for some dumb chick. Never done so, never will. Maybe somebody should stop watching cheap-ass soap operas on cheap ass t.v stations and stop reading up cheap ass articles about some cheap ass stereotypes.
And don't blame me if you can't talk to me.
Aite then. As you can see, my mood has gone a different direction.

Till then.

Continuing from yesterday

I was talking about sitting back on a windy day and thinking about how boring and pointless life seemed to be. I sat there pondering about ways to improve my lifestyle. "Spice" things up here and there. Ideas came pouring to my head. Ideas, solutions, problems, theories.

"Maybe i'm lacking in something."
"Maybe i'm doing too much of something."
"Could life be better than this?"
"Could life be worse?"

That last thought stopped my thoughts dead on its' track.
...
....
....
....After a dramatic pause, the memories flooded in. What was life like last year? Or the year before that?
Problems poped out like bubbles in a jacuzzi. Mood swings was a new discovery. Surprisingly, i didn't notice them at that time. It's only when i realised i could have a three sided argument i realised something wasn't right.
Emotional problems. Not like i'm an emotional pro now, it has improved though.
Girl problems..... haha, why did i put up with so much? I gave up wondering actually.
These days i have the appetite to eat.
I sleep soundly at night.
I smile honest smiles.

I guess life is boring and un eventful now, but should i compare it with what it was like before, it seems like i've been one ungrateful lil prick.

This is what i wanted to write about yesterday.
Pretty boring ya?

Genki dashite~

It was a nice day to sit outdoors and have a smoke.
A cool, cloudy, windy day to re-evaluate things.
I was thinking about my boring and unproductive life and how college is the same bullshit every day.
Friends come and go, then appear on your friendster requesting to be added as "Friends".
Classmates are still the same, boring bunch of kampung chinese from some bukit.
Some of em are quite racist as well.
A funny thing happened the other day.
There's this one chinese dude giving me shit about (oooo.. i think i can hear my neighbours' dogs humping.... damn, they sound like wild animals. maybe they're fighting. One is clearly barking, the other is whining, oh they stopped. Anyway..) how the chinese race and civilization ranks the highest on the list (which reminds me about how we had this thread in an online forum and how we all think the chinese are the most racist people in the world. Even the chinese.). He's so proud of the "ancient chinese" civilization. They were so smart, so wise, their level of knowledge on medicine had far surpassed modern science of today, their proverbs speaks of the ultimate truth and none could possibly contain a loop-hole. They spoke a language that is so detailed and so refined, there's a word for anything so communication is precise and accurate.
Their system of writing is so complex that anyone who tries to learn it would give up the moment they found out what its' all about.
"Know why they called it ancient chinese civilization?"
"Because its' really old. We had silk when western civilization still uses animal skin"
"No, its' because it doesn't exist anymore. Look at you now. You're not smart, not wise, you know jack shit about medicine that i won't be surprised if you catch a flu and die. Do you know that the whole ancient civilization is all about status, reputation and money? The emperor who built the great wall of china gave orders to destroy any written historical information so that history begins with him. Should one man happen to have more money than the other, he would make sure it is known. They love to draw the line between rich and poor- which is probably the only thing that survived till today, besides the whole status, reputation and obviously, money."

Each time i hear a chinese say he's scared he might lose face, i cringe. They will never admit that it's the same as having a dent in their pride and dignity. Saying so would make them sound arrogant thus lose face.

"Do you know why that civilization fell?"
"Because the western countries had better technology and used it against us"
"Not quite. It was opium. The westerners traded opium for silk and spices that one day, demand for opium far exceeded silk and spices. That's when they had to make a different agreement which led to the downfall of that civilization."
"............."
"Opium is weed by the way. Weed, ganja, marijuana. The mighty civilzation crumbled cause everyone got high on crack."
Yea i know i could've phrased it in a better way, but this guy was really getting on my nerves. Before we got to this topic, he was actually degrading my race and religion.
Like they say, an eye for an eye.
"How does chinese writing work?"
"It's not using words. It's an exchange of idea. If you look carefully, the character for a cart looks like a cart. Horse looks like a horse, so on and so forth. It's very straightforward and simple."
"You know what else follows this concept?"
"No, what?"
"Cave paintings"

I hope none of you got offended after reading this blog entry. It's just that the racism lies really close to one of my nerves that it's not a very good idea to strike at it. When i look at a person, it doesn't matter to me what race they are, which God they believe in or what language they speak.
I see an individual whom i would judge by his/her morals and values.

Depends on my mood though.

Randomly Pondering..

First off, I would like to thank ms. Canadian for making a blog account just to post a comment.
I think you could do so anonymously, but it does look better with an account.

I have come to acknowledged Hanson as a good band. They've grown well out of their Mmmboppin' days and made music that i'm happy to have stuck in my head.
"Penny and me" is a nice, simple feel-good song that i could sit back and think to.

I know a girl called Penny. Not the kind of person you'd like to meet. ermm... i don't think i'll waste time and space writing about her.

The song "Mr. Jones" by Counting Crows is starting to sound like a good musician high on crack. I can't make much sense of what he's singing about.

What happens when parents put words in your mouth?
Correct me if i'm wrong, but (i'll go one step at a time...) say they're putting words in your mouth, or assuming things.
"Assuming" is what i'll be focusing on now.
Say they assumed you're somewhere doing something you're not.
It's a common incident for most people i know.
"It's common". Happens all the time.
They put words in your mouth based on the assumptions they made.
= They don't use actual facts.
=These people, do not make decisions from facts.
hang on... i lost my trail of thought...

Erna, Coco's new boyfriend is going to get beaten up by some jealous fooser. Somehow, no one's surprised. I think we all have a desire to see or experience something new.
It is the same bullshit everyday.
It's somewhat a wise decision for you to bum around there. Get to know that place better, you're going to be stuck there for a while.

I think i've been running out of things to write about these days. Some of you may have noticed that the contents of this blog is getting more and more pointless. uh...
I suspected mood swing.
But i'm not very sure of that yet.

The Angry Little Man

The angry little man is a demon, one out of plenty of others inside everyone.
He doesn't do much. Actually he does nothing at all, unless someone calls him out.
The angry little man hates bad drivers. He's very generous with giving the finger.
He has no tolerance for the rudeness of other people, and he doesn't keep it to himself. He makes sure his values are understood and implements it on others.
He spots the bullshit in every story and again, tells the teller to his face.
The angry little man seems to want somebody to throw the first punch, and he'll do the rest.

I was having a meal with afew people the other day, and one of them happened to be Ezqobah.
We ordered, i didn't order much. A simple drink and something to snack on. This restaurant is near the college and they use styrofoam cups. So Erna, you know what i'm talking about.
He ordered a meal.
When we had to pay, he went up to the counter, made false claims of what he had ordered and ran 50 meters away.
When i paid for mine, the cashier confronted me with the orders Ezqobah made.
I paid for him and made him pay me back.

Ever since then, just looking at him stimulates the angry little man.
Fecal matter comes out of his mouth every time it opens, and one of these days, it will hit the fan.

What he did at that restaurant, how far is that from throwing the first punch and leave your friends behind to handle it?
It's like running from a fight and leaving your friends behind.
Traitor.
He should be hanged for treachery.

Erna, other updates:

1. I heard rumours that Coco and Kiki hooked up. He's just like Tito. Just abit fatter. They're starting to look pathetic.
2. Foo and the happy f*ck are still around. We play less pool now though. Guess why...

There was more i swear....

If you're wondering about certain people, post a comment or something.

Conspiracy...?

What i heard were rumours but now fact.
Coco asked Rin to spend the night at her place.
Coco, my ex, who has been strangely nice and friendly towards Rin these past few days wanted Rin to spend the night, and clubbing. (not necessarily in that order)
Coco claims to be the type of person who is an honorable friend with good intentions towards everything. She's so friendly, she never has a problem with loneliness. She has so many friends, and tries makes so much more friends all the time its' like a singaporean trying to make money.

Why?

If i'm not mistaken, i could sense a hint of sadistic pleasure when she hears about someone not having as many friends as her. More sadistic if that someone is considered "attractive". It seems sometimes that to her, beating all the others in a pointless one-sided race is what life is all about.
Who cares how many friends you have?
Who cares about how you are able to treat your boyfriend like a pet?
Some of us do notice, and we let her go on with it. It's too troublesome to bother. If she's digging her own grave, the most i could do is watch...and maybe hold the light over her head.
We, her good friends (by her definition of the word "friend"), are the ones who plays pool or fooseball with you. The ones you keep company while we wait for our classes to start. The ones we joke around and have fun with over lunch.
But should she need a shoulder to cry on, i would think that she's in too deep in her self-dug grave to reach our shoulders. (While we're chilling and watch the stars in the sky and keeping her company while she dig, dig, dig)
I'm still available for some pool though, but she has a better chance of pushing elephants up stairs than expect me to be there in her time of need.
Not to forget that people such as myself, are her good friends.

Back to the topic whereby she invited Rin to spend the night at her place.
I'll make this quick.

Why, of all people, she invites someone whom she managed to get to know well afew days ago?
Because she has no other female friend?
She had! But she's normally too busy trying to get more and more male attention that her neglected female friends couldn't be f*ked to hang around in case she needs a shoulder to soak.

A message to all of you, you don't want to have friends like us. You don't want to be like her.

She thinks she's well respected by all. We think she's just a good time. (Not necessarily in a sexual manner)
Some girls live in a massive illusion that i'm intrigued in watching the moment the truth kicks in.

Cancer. The Crab.

I've just stumbled on an interesting discovery about Cancerians.
We like Wednesdays and we notice the wonders of twilight.
"The Magic Hour"

Twilight, a phenomenon whereby its' atmosphere effects everybody under it.
People feel no sadness, forgets their loneliness and sorrow. Everything seems all right.
(That's what i think anyway)

I guess that's all i got for today about Cancers.
(What? That's it?)
Yep. That is all...
(What about the mood swings? The emotional fluctuations? The warmth of a CRAB?)
Ah.. yes... mood swings. A cancers' starsign is exactly what it is. 69, sideways. It's 2 different people, going different ways, but the problem is that they both reside in the same body.
(And who found that one out?)
Thanks to Raspberry for pointing that out to me. Although sometimes i think i'm a 696.
(Meaning?)
(It means sometimes it feels like there's a third person. Fool.)
(No one asked you.)

Raspberry also mentioned that Cancers can tolerate and understand many types of people.
(Cause we have been those people)
We know what its' like.
(In terms of "way of thinking", been there, done that.)

This and That.

Rin, Raspberry and this pathetic excuse of a human/best friend/creature had an evil, evil argument that went horribly ugly. I'm not involved. Don't wish to be. Ever.

Flonne is way too naive. She's actually buying the whole "pet brother" or "pet sister" thing and taking it seriously. She uses those terms in serious conversations would "go the extra mile" for her pet brothers. BROTHERS (key letter in that word is "S").
Funny thing tho, whenever i ask her about how they ended up becoming each others' pet-whatever, it's normally the same story.
"This guy had a thing for me a long time ago, but i wasn't interested, so we kept in touch as pet siblings"
I can't emphasize this enough, "you must be blind or a neanderthal to not notice the problem from that sentence".
She won't listen to me. A few days after giving her an advice, i'll get a call from her, saying "i was thinking about what you said......"
Help not appreciated? Help not worth giving.

Erna sent me a message through an online community website.

My immune system went down for abit since i've been sleeping very little these past few days.

Therefore,
Nite.

An Intellectual Conversation

I think that it's now somewhat a hobby of my older sister and i, we would sit and talk about our opinions on morals and values of each other, the family and the society.
We would talk about family issues, friends, upbringing and how it affected us.
Most of the time the topic is our upbringing. Where our parents went wrong and how we followed.
She's a lawyer, i'm a business student. We both have different perspective of things. It is within conversations like these gave us an opportunity to compare/dissect/analyze the situation from both points of view. Being a lawyer had sort of enhanced her analytical skills which is pretty much the only thing that makes the conversation educational.
In my perspective, i took part in these conversations for my personal quest to become a better person, a better man.
I have been setting my own standards for everything. Some time ago, i set a standard on my own upbringing and in my opinion, my actual upbringing is below my own standards.

That's how this personal quest of mine began. I decided to bring myself up and become a better person. Become more than i am now and live life to its' ultimate fullest.

Flonne...

Flonne came back from where Erna is leaving to.
I havent seen her for about a year or so.
 
Flonne.
A girl i have mixed feelings for.
 
We were classmates. We went for the entrance exam together.
She was pure at mind, pure at heart. But this was a long time ago.
 
When she joined our class, we made fun of her purity. Of her naiveness, come to think of it, it was a horrible thing to do. We tried to corrupt her for our own entertainment. No one seemed to notice it, because everyone was doing it.
I was too lazy to get involved, at that time, i was still trying to accept the fact that i was stuck in a school full of retards.
 
The rest is pretty much an assumption, but it did not come from nowhere.
 I think at one point of time, her overprotective parents got on her nerves. She began to rebel against them. Knowing my classmates, i'm sure that at one point of time she was very lonely. We didn't help her one bit.
She ended up making friends from outside school. We don't put up with her naiveness because we wern't trying to get in her pants. Those guys outside school however, are different. Very different.
 
She began clubbing often and we notice it. We see her getting worse everyday. And what did we do? We left her alone. She's turned "rotten" if we get to close to her, we'll turn "rotten" to - was the mentality of my classmates.
I saw it happening. Step by step. By the time i decided to play a part in it, she stopped listening to me. I couldn't get through to her.  It got worse, the girls in the class started bitching about her behind her back, and the guys treated her with disrespect, thus lowering her self value.
I tried afew times, to help her, i slipped hints and advises in nearly everything i say since a direct approach would destroy any chance i had.
 
Serraph and I saw it coming. We anticipated everything and did nothing. We couldn't or didn't know what to do.
Next thing i knew, rumours went around about her sleeping around. That killed us.
She left the country sometime later. In a way, it was good for us. We needed that break.
 
Last year, she came back for a visit. She worked and saved up enough money to buy a ticket to fly here. She ran away from home. All the way here. I thought it was a bold move and in a way, respected her for being able to do so. Although i'm highly against it.
When she came back, to me, it was my second chance. Or an opportunity to try and justify what i did wrong before. She still hung with the wrong crowd, dated the wrong guys and so on. But i could talk to her about things. I tried to help her out as much as i could, even up to negotiating with her mother.
If she ever wondered why i was willing to do so much, it's because of guilt, sympathy and somehow i do wish for her to have a good future.
(Even thought of a business idea that could've saved all of us, but had to put it on hold)
 
I'm not sure when or how it happened, but one day i suspected that i had fallen for her.
I couldn't do anything about it since Serraph..........well....... that's another story, but i'm sure you get the idea.
 
I remember the conversation we had which led to her bringing up stories of "first times".
She said that her first time, he sort of forced himself on her.
And that, disturbed me for days.
That's when my brain sort of worked extra hard and i came up with the assumption of how she became like so.
 
Come to think of it, i think i really did fall for her at one point of time.
But it's been a year. I might see her tomorrow. I wonder what it would be like.
 

Chilli, Squirrel and Lor

According to Chillis' online journal, she showed this blog of mine to two of her friends. Squirrel and Lor.
 
I can only take comfort in the fact that i don't know them and neither do they know me.
I also heard that eclipse has good taste in girls.
*hint* *hint*
 
 
Jokes aside, hopefully it won't happen again.  Do they have online journals i can take a peek at by the way?

Erna's Departure.

Today was a sad day for quite a number of us. Erna's last day. She came to college and we pretty much did our usual rounds of pool, lunch, pool, fooseball and pool.
We left to a big fat shopping mall later. One that she used to go to often, probably for some last sentimental value.
Most of us are okay with it. They don't seem very effected by it. Even though they've known her longer. Most of them are guys. Guys are cold hearted people. I thought it wouldn't bother me until today. Today i realised what she is and why we got along well. There's a part of me that no one is even remotely capable of understanding. Erna somehow did. I think it meant alot more to me than she knows it.
 
I'm not one who's fine with words vocally. Everybody knows that. I write it all out.
I wasn't very close to Erna. Not as close as others. But I didn't need to be closer. It's fine the way it is and it's all i need.
 
There's definitely a significant dent in my college life because she left. If it were up to me, i'd tell her not to go. (Come to think of it, i did.) I wasn't in the position to decide. Far from it.
International school.... people come and go. Friends don't last very long. It has happened many times before.
She's been somewhat depressed lately. I probably know half the reason why. The other half is the part of her life i never got to know.
I could never figure out what about her that could change the atmosphere of a place. Her karma? What about her? Erna, maybe one day you can tell me.
 
We all miss you.
 
My farewell gift to her is access to this blog. May not be wise but she deserves to know the truth. (By the time she reads this, she'll be too far away to do anything. HAHAHAAHAA)
 

Graveyard

"Last month my maid's husband passed away.
Seeing a man go can be troubling. I still see it sometimes.
Him. Struggling. Then he hugged his wife. I thought it was a random hug. Turns out that it was his last seconds in this world. And he spent those precious seconds hugging his wife.
It was heart attack by the way. Although alot could've been done to prevent it.
Irresponsible people in the house.
Alot of them.
And because of that i lost a man who was more like a father to me than my own father. Hell, i was more prepared for my father to go. He was healthy and fit. What is the world coming to. Healthy people die sudden deaths and the unhealthy live on worrying about their unhealthy condition. "he's so healthy! he's gone! am i next??"
 
I saw a man die. I was there the moment his soul was freed from his body. The moment his heart stopped beating. I saw a dying man struggle to hold on to his life and failed. He had no energy. His only source of energy was from the pain he was feeling. Enough to make him gasp for breath.
And then he left."  
 
                                             -Layodante, 27th November, 2003.
 
I went to visit his grave today.
Funny thing about graveyards. It somehow gives me a sense of peace, and reminds me to be practical, to grow, to live. It's a sort of reference for living. It reminds you that no matter how rich or how successful i'll ever be, i'll end up here, like the rest of them, 6 feet under.
That's when i noticed a few graves that did not even have a name. It's just a marked area on the ground. Apparently, they are the graves of immigrants from a neighboring country. They came here to work and died here, without any relatives to take care of their graves and decorate it, let alone label it.
Is that what happens to people who pass away overseas?
A lonely grave that will probably remain like so for ages.
What a sad end.
 
Walking back to my car, i overheard someone asking the caretaker when he's leaving. He said not yet, there's still work to do. A little girl passed away.
 
 

Me Day of Birth III

This would be the final part of the Me Day of Birth series.
Friday, was the last day of the celebration. I celebrated with Serraph and Freyja.
 
We started out with our usual 5 hours at a certain cybercafe. Then we went on to buying drinks from a supermarket. Kampais, Long Island Teas, Beers and snacks.
We brought it all to Serraphs' place and chilled with some smokes and got drunk.
Stupid things happened when i get drunk. But nothing could beat the stupidity of what came out of my mouth.
 
Here's a shortt list of what i did when i was drunk. (Ref: Freyja)
1. Walked around pretending to be Godzilla.
2. Convincing people i was sober. (Then bust out laughing when i think they believed me)
3. Called Rin and had a really dumb conversation. (Serraph's theory was that i needed to hit on something)
4. Called up Coco. Serraph and Freyja knew me well enough to make me hang up quickly.
5. Oh man, can't remember.
 
What i do remember is making sure i don't slip some information (such as my blogspot url) out of my lips.
I think i felt sick after that, and nearly threw up.
There was a struggle, then i collapsed, and woke up without a hangover. (Amazing me....)
 
Thus ends the 3-day celebration of my birthday.

Me Day of Birth II

Let's begin with the top 5 strangest thing that happened this year:

5. King Arthur came out today, on the 15th, my seat was numbered 15 and naturally, it means today is the Day of Kings. (I'm not surprised....) =:p
4. I accidently picked up hints here and there about who is giving me what until i could pretty much tell who gave me what.
3. Those who pestered me to remember their birthdays and proudly brag of how they could remember mine.....didn't.
2. No cousins, no large family gathering, just small and simple.

And the NUMBER ONE "Strangest and most unexplainable" thing that happened this year is...
1. My dad got me a present.
___________________________________________________________________________

The day sort of dragged its' way through. It started out with an extremely patience-testing lecture and hours of killing time. I get messages along the way, every now and then, people wishing me happy birthdays.
I made the call for a movie at 1530 but unfortunately, only four were able to come. One of them, Ezqobah, cancelled on the last minute because he got soaked by rain. A pretty pathetic excuse to cancel something, but that's just how he is as a person. Lots of talk, lots of promises, lots of disappointments. If he was going somewhere, don't walk in the bloody rain before it.
The ones who made it was Rin, Foo and VC. VC's a classmate of mine (somewhat). Erna was supposed to come along, but she was stuck in some immigration office. Having fun.

After the movie, we all went our seperate ways home. I have to admit that i did feel sort of lonely when i reached home. There was nobody. Not even the maid. It was just me and the whole house to myself. For hours and hours until night time fell.

They came back, prepared everything and now let's talk about the gifts.
1. Shoes from my lawyer sister. Really nice ones. She knows what i like.
2. Some bunch of funky stuff from my pregnant sister and her husband. (One of them was this really cool plastic guy with a parachute!) An ashtray with some apple smell for it.
3. A shirt from my little sister.
4. Some cash from my maid. (Very thoughtful of her. I wish they would all just give me cash. Especially my parents. They bought me stuff like.....)
5. Pants from my mom. I told her not to buy pants without me. I'm quite fussy about pants. And with good reasons too, like the fact that the ones she bought did fit me quite horribly. But she did get me some kick-ass sandals.
6. Badminton shoes from my dad. Why? Because he likes badminton. How very thoughtful. It's nearly funny since he said he bought them because he noticed that i had no badminton shoes. Actually, i DO. He bought them for me afew sizes big so i'd grow into them. I havent. If only he was more of a gamer...

There was a cake. I like the cake. It's the same type of cake i get every year.
I told them i didn't want a cake. But nevermind, it's all good.

That concludes the day.
On to tomorrow. The last part of Me Day of Birth.

Me Day of Birth I

I spent the afternoon to evening in a shopping mall yesterday. I picked up Rin and bumped into Ezqobah, he invited me to the mall and meet up with Erna and Foo, along with afew other people that i did not know.

I was supposed to pick up Chilli and take her to another place, but decided to mix the two plans together- bring her along. Before i picked her up, i had an argument with Rin. It was over something quite foolish. But i apologized for my part, and she ignored that, so Chilli entered the car in an awkward silence. Rin changed her mind about going and wanted me to drop her home, which i did, and Chilli and I proceeded to the mall and met up with the others.

We had a drink, played some pool, chilled at a cafe, and had fun. Chilli didn't know anybody there so i'm not sure if she had fun. But i like these people. They are nice to be with, nice to laugh with. A few hours later, i got a text message from Rin who was apologizing. Didn't really know what to say or what took her so long, didn't reply either.

Well on the way back, Chilli gave me my birthday present. A CD with TWO songs on it, and a really nice necklace. She bought the CD based on the fact that i said i could read the japanese writing written on the cover. Since Chilli DO have access to this site, i'm going to have to say that i REALLY LOVED the CD. I love it so much that i'm having SO much TROUBLE deciding which SOng to play that i resort to flipping a MExican coin. (Don't kill me for this)

When i reached home, there was a druggie waiting for me to get out of my car to offer a $2 car wash. I decided to play along, and told him to come back on friday, since i doubt i'll be home on friday. But later i ended up worrying about what he might do to the car on other days. Regret.

Speaking of regret, Erna's been looking more and more troubled of late. I think the fact that she'll be leaving next week is really getting to her. Either that, or it might be something concerning a certain individual. But if it is something about that certain individual, she should be happy to be leaving the country.

Erna gave me my birthday present. A box of Condoms. At least it's more useful than a plastiCk Disk. (No Chilli, it's not what you think. Don't be so paranoid... i love your CD)

Erna's Coco, Foo!

Coco is an ex of mine. A really bright and cheery cute girl who is quite the opposite on the inside. (I have a history of getting into hopeless relationships. Relationships with no future, one that will be a big waste of time). Getting together with her was a bad idea to start with, she has a reputation for her stubborness. When i broke the news to Freyja and Serraph, they just laughed about it. They know what was going to happen. They were right.

Coco and I ended with me being the dumpee, and naturally, her being the dumper. But if she did not do what she had done, i would have done so. It was obvious that there was no future for us. The main reason being, i hadn't really gotten over the girl i said i wasn't really over with. (Later on will be talked about under the name of Atana). And secondly, her parents were extremely racist. They threatened to take her out of the country if she was seen (yes. seen. They didn't know we were dating, meaning she was not even ALLOWED to have a friend like myself) with me again. The second reason is mainly why i couldn't put my heart into it. I really wanted to though, to be nicer and more commited, but it was putting her future on the line, thus forcing me to make a horrible decision. She wasn't very effected by her parents' threats. What she didn't know was that it affected me. Badly.

It's over and done with now. During the course of my relationship with Coco, i was introduced to Erna and Foo.

Erna and I bonded when we got high on Indonesian ciggarrettes (hence, the name Erna) and apple juice. Then we opened up about each others' problems and realised that we've been through very similar things. "Seeing someone you really care for going the wrong direction in life. Worry about them all day and all night, but there's nothing you can do about it because they stopped listening, it's out of your hands."
A year later, we found ourselves talking about the same things, the same problems, the same people.

I've gotten alot closer to Erna and Foo within these past few days. Foo and I have a very similar sense of humour. It's the second day spent laughing untill my stomach cramped up and nearly exploded (felt like it..). The hottest topic to joke about is currently "Erna's cousin". She's not chubby, she's not fat, she's MASSIVE. I doubt anyone could resist cracking a joke or two once they've encountered....her cousin.

However, Erna is leaving the country next week. No one knows if she is ever coming back, I may never see her again.

A funny thing happened today, concerning Coco. Erna was telling us of the time Coco asked her if drinking coconuts (hence, the name... if you happen to be reading this one day, i apologise in advance i beg great mercy from thee) could increase her bust size.
I was there, Foo was there, so we took a break from Erna's cousin jokes. Couldn't miss such an opportunity. Especially when knowing that Coco is the kind of person who likes to show that she is proud of who she is, happy with herself, someone who would still love her third nipple if she has a third nipple.

Rin and Berries.

The passive individual that i'm currently seeing is Rin. Raspberry's a good friend of hers. Used to be anyway, the grew apart afew weeks ago and both got on each others' nerves and both decided to cut off from each other.

I know, friends' best friend is "off limits" but there's nothing going on between Raspberry and I. We had somewhat opened up to each other and because of that, Rin no longer plays a part between us. She used to be "Rin's best friend", but now we know each other enough for her to be "My friend". No one decides who should or not be my friend except for me.

Rin is so passive that it made me afraid of putting my heart into the relationship. She could be so ignorant on certain things that i need her to realise. I don't like it when she goes out to spend time with other guys who wants her to spend the night at his place. I don't like it when she's at some other guys' place all the way past midnight while realising the fact that he's been hitting on her the whole time ("Massaging shoulders" because "you seem tense"....sort of thing.) I don't like the way she even bothers about her annoying and troublesome "friends" who are idiots by pre-school standards and complain about them later. And the worse bit: she complains to me.
Rin has a friend who's too quiet, a friend who is known here as Raspberry, and a friend i want dead (For being extremely troublesome).

She normally blows things off and ends debate prematurely with a "Nevermind..." that sometimes i think cheating on her is the only way to get some sort of indication that there is a price tag on my forehead, and no one could afford it.
She doesn't get jealous about anything, no matter how many girls i'm surrounded by, no matter how much i flirt or even taking Dew out for the whole day. It's almost as if i'm single and available - free to do anything and anyone.

I discussed this problem with Raspberry the other day, and it is a problem that i must bring up to Rin one day.

Raspberry and Chilli

Raspberry and Chilli are two young girls that has plenty of problems, and even more stories to tell.
They are both nearly equal by age, about 2 to 3 years younger than myself, but the problems they face are for those 5 years older than me.
It's sad really. Whatever happened to the fun and carefree teenage life that everyone else seems to be entitled to?
In my opinion, Chilli's problems are more serious compared to Raspberys'. It involves the death of a family member, sneaky relatives and lawyers. However, the majority of Raspberrys' problems are psychological.

Although i can't solve their problems, i can however, try my best to provide them advises or guidance to help lessen their burden. If the mind could be a workplace, it can also be a playground.

Someone should keep an eye on them, cause i don't see anybody doing it.

Chillis' got a live journal account. We hardly ever meet up but we chat online and i check on her live journal every once in awhile to see how it's going. Funny how i'm talking about her and she has my blogspot address. She went off awhile ago, she won't read this until tomorrow or so. You don't mind me writing about it do you Chilli?
Raspberry don't know such a thing exists. (My blog account). She won't mind...... i hope.

Driving Ms. Dew

Started the day with some cd-burning and car cleaning. Watched my parents clean the fish pond sometime in between. Fishes grow so fast and so big, space is running out in that pond. So we eat them.

By late afternoon, i was on my way to meet up with Dew. It was strange, she looked so differnt. It's funny how i actually expected to see her looking as how she was when she left 2 years ago. She looked more european, older and spoke with an accent. I have to replay what she said in my head about twice to understand sometimes.

I am currently under the impression that people in the UK drive on highways like we drive in school areas. Driving her was worse than driving my mother.
1. Must have both hands on the steering wheel.
2. Must signal before changing lanes.
3. Must always have eyes on the road.
4. Must not get within 3 meters of the car in front.

1. I drive an auto (trying to change the gearbox to a manual). I'm used to having one hand on the wheel and the other on the gear. Now all i do with my left hand is switching it between "N" and "D". I drive at speed that is maneuverable with one hand.
2. Who signals to change lanes anyway? Only those who take 5 seconds or more to go from one lane to the other. I think i made it obvious enough to other drivers when i'm changing lanes. The only time i use the signal is in roundabouts - they need to know wether or not i'm going out of the circle. The ones who don't signal in roundabouts are troublesome and dangerous.
3. I'm still not over the fact i got a new cd-player. Still playing around with it, getting to know the new piece of equipment in the car. It's still beautiful. Sometimes i look at her, just teasing, cause the road was empty.
4. An exaggeration. I think she wanted me to stay about 2 meters behind the car ahead. Normally i'd drive up to 2/3 of a meter, or 3/4. But if she didn't shut up....1/4...

Went around and took her to the malls that opened up after she left. She's still the same, this time, it was me that had changed.

A girl, some nice music and dinner.

A friend came back from the UK and contacted me.
A new CD-Player for my car.
A now-family friend had dinner with us and lasted hours.

No, it wasn't a date.

It was about a girl who left the country 2 years ago. Someone i fell for but was a year too late. A whole year. I was in a new relationship when i should've made a move on her. But decided not to. For commitment or some shit like that. A year later, she was with another, and i was with no one. For a long time we kept in touch by emails, couldn't wait to see each other again and all, but i think about a week before she came here, she found someone. And i don't intend on getting in between that. I call her Dew.

I've finally managed to convince my father to get me a cd player for the car. Radio drives me nuts. The world is apparently hooked on hip hop and r&b, which seems to always be talking about sex, money and getting cheated on. A certain Serraph told me, "Your charisma can get you far, girls want to get to know you, guys obey your commands, but it has absolutely no effect at all on your father." And it's true. I had to use the crowd of family members (including first cousins) to get him onto the topic and out of the house - into the accessory shop. It's beautiful at night, sounds amazing and that's all i need.

A family conversation over dinner exploded into talks of plans for a future business empire. It's funny how they, at that age, they talk about business like i talk about videogames. I guess this is what they meant by "taking life easy". Sure, making money is important. Make the wrong moves and you'll suffer along with those you are responsible for. But trying too hard may not help at all. It's a challenge. It's all in the head. A game for everyone that anyone can join. Winning doesn't really end the game, but losing might.

Let the Blogging begin...

Blog.
Funny word isn't it.
Is it in the dictionary? I wonder what the definition is like.
It really doesn't sound like anything related to "journal".
Blog.
B-Log.

I'm a 19 year old individual who's in a family of 6 (second younngest I is) and is currently not very much over a girl i'm no longer dating. It's been years and it's still going.
Currently seeing a very passive individual that will one day get on my nerves.
A bad intro for a bad story.

NeoWakko