Dear God~

Hi there.
Its been quite some time since we last had a chat.
As usual, I come looking for you when things seems to be going wrong.
Its been a few years come to think of it now.
I hope you're still listening.

I've been thinking about my life a lot.
Things were different many years ago.
Things were great.
You were always around to help me out.

But now I can't feel your presence.
I've been thinking since when exactly.
Today i realised it was around the time i abandoned everything to depend on myself.
Stopped trusting everyone and made myself an outcast.
I was proud of it for years. Even a little bit now.

When i was younger we were the best of friends.
I asked a lot of questions, you always answered them in your own time.
I had a lot of things that most people struggle to have right now.

You gave me inner peace. A timeless calm.
Thats what separated me from a lot of people.
You gave me an exceptional brain capacity.
Good health, physical fitness.
Sometimes you even let me slow down time itself.
Most importantly, you gave me powerful insights.
The ability to understand many things no one i knew could.
That all ended 10 years ago.

I realise now that each and every one of those gifts i abused.
I tried to use them for good, but thinking of it now, i failed miserably.
I never thanked you for those gifts, nor appreciate them.
I even reached the point where i believed it was all my doing.
And i think, thats about the time when you took them away from me.
One by one.
I was even selfish enough to think that you shouldn't have given them to me in the first place.

I'm sorry for what i did.
I hope you can still be my friend and mentor again.
It took me 10 years to realise it.
When i decided that i'm better off alone, i pushed everything away.
And considering how you are everything...

Something from somewhere else~

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating  
from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he  
came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised  
in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached  
it very carefully.  

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and  
found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully  
and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his  
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its  
foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather  
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense  
moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being  
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and  
walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of  
that day.  

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Brookfield Zoo  
in Chicago with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant  
enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near  
where Mikele and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull  
elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground,  
then put it down. The elephant did that several times then  
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.  

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering  
if this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage,  
climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He  
walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The  
elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's  
legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.  
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

A trap I fell in~

What have I been doing all this time?
Unnatural.
I can't believe how far i've deviated from my former self.
Why am i so distracted?

I need to focus.
I need to be able to focus.

Thanks man.
My envy of your progress had always been what kept me going.
I guess after all this time i still can't escape or surpass it.

As much as i hate it, you saved me yet again.

Bu

A clock that doesn't tick~

Time flows continuously.
Never hesitating, never gasping for air.
It waits for none, it moves when you are not ready.
It moves when all is still.
It flows even when it's stagnant.
It waits for none but me.

I stopped growing up a while ago.
I still grow old, just not up.
Up is the direction to go it seems.

Throughout my life, it seems that i hardly ever get what i want,
But i do however get what i ask for.
I know this, for a fact. I thought it stopped happening years ago but it apparently still goes on.

Why can't I reconcile the two anyway?
Between what i want and what i ask for?

I've been granted infinite wishes to use as i please, and the only things that could come out of my mouth are things like, "a reality check", "a slap in the face", "troubles for experience".
Why can't i ask for something more useful?

It seems that i can't kick the habit of choosing the rougher road, altho i've grown weaker to pull myself through them.

My will is not as how it was.

It does clear the air up a bit tho.
Like beer goggles, but not as fun.

I wish i could feel the natural feelings again.
Movements of air, flows of water...
Everything's restricted now by the mind.
"Needs to be processed before accepted"
The way I feel things nowadays is so...digital.

Heya~

One would think that emotion is an opinion.
It is merely an indicator.

Refine words to best express it.
Those who understand will see it.
But those who believe it is an indicator sees more.

Beliefs and perspectives go hand in hand,
In the strange system of truth.
Some say truth is based on facts.
In reality however, there isn't such a thing.

A questionable event occurs,
Two who witness form an understanding.

In a classic example of the glass,
One would swear that it is half empty,
The other, half full.

Both are facts.
Both are true.
Both are accurate.
And contradict too.

Beliefs and perspectives makes up facts.
They go hand in hand.
Facts make up the world.
Facts makes you.

Facts can be contradicting,
Yet still be true.
Facts can make your world,
Half empty and full.

Well hello there~

I guess i'm at a point in life where my immediate actions will decide the rest of it.
Problem is, i can't tell if i'm doing what i want, or doing what others want of me and me wanting to do that for them.

I've lost myself recently. Not completely though, just enough to make it interesting.
In a bad way.

This quest of rediscovering myself raised plenty of questions and realisations. I doubt anyone can truly say what they want while believing it completely.

We seem to be driven by numbers, in a sense that humanity seems to be a system that functions as a whole. No one really points it out, since it is a point so obvious that the subconscious do not even see a point in pointing it out.

Well the obvious point here is that our minds are all linked, and at the moment, do not seem to be able to function independently as an individual.

Our likes and dislikes, hobbies and interests- they're all things that we find we need to have at least one other person to agree with less we find ourselves strange. Cultures and sub-cultures, beliefs and religions, normal and abnormal.

If there were no goths/emo/punk in this world, what would they do to be different? Start playing golf? Some of them chose that way of life, to be different. But different from whom exactly? It doesn't seem to be different, special and/or unique in anyway it seems. They do not seem to want to be different, they just want to be out of the majority or norm. Hence one would go to a sub-culture supermarket and just pick a new lifestyle.

The point is that joining a sub-culture does not make one unique. It is simply an act of refusing to conform to the majority by conforming to the minority.

The only decent reason i believe for one to make such a convertion, is simply for the fun of it.

_____________________

What was the point of all this........

Ah yes, how do we find out what we really want.

1. I like whisky. I like drinkin it straight, or mixed with water. Just plain water. I don't like mixing it with flavoured water because i actually like the taste of it. Mixing it with water stretches the glass i guess its better for health.

Other ways:
- Drinking it with coke.
- Drinking it with ice.
However, adding water dilutes it, which is wrong. But somehow it's okay if it's Coke.

I'm sure that there are others who can enjoy drinking it with just plain water. Give it a try. If you do, what would those around you say?

Why is it that drinking it with coke or ice is okay, but people would disagree to a point of even giving you a short lecture on why you shouldn't drink it with water? (Using the reason that it dilutes the goods)

Society finds it in their right to actually tell you what you want/should/shouldn't do at a level far beyond your realisation. It's a part of humanity. But right now, all i want is some time off. I mean, come on.............gimme a break. Gimme some space to find out what i like, and how i like doing it. I'm stubborn i know, which makes me more sensitive to being told what to do/think. It's suffocating!

Shit. Even I myself think my entries are getting as dull as haze.

Proving a point~

Today i post in order to prove a point.
A simple and true point.

True, in a sense that is easily generated. Thankfully.

All i need to do is put up an entry.

The point proven will be that i still can blog.
Not as well as before i admit, but still capable.

What would really help me now is that i test out how well my imitation skills are. I think i got rusty.

Ahem.

Let's start with no:1.

To dream a dream that favoured the impossible, i awoke and reflect. As how i do when thrown into the conscious so suddenly. To long love for a love long lost, i chose the form over the substance, the name rather than the smell, the title over the feel of it. It never ends like the starlights that lights our sky with its gentle gaze. It never ends even though it is much needed to do so.

Thank you.

2.
Pride.

I had plenty. I remember fights long ago. Just among school members fortunately. Shopping mall staircases, mops, brooms, you name it, we've used it. The things we used as excuses to fight for was never honorable or proper, we just convinced each other that it was.

I loved it. Not at the time, but now. As i get older and life gets more repetitive, I long for it. The past, the thrill. The fights that started because an individual looked at you with a hint of disrespect.

One can only linger so much.

3.
I hate the people here.

They have this ridiculous "air-of-superiority" that bloody shows even in the way they walk. When they get to a certain area or around certain people they suddenly start believe that they need to be walking on air. I mean, what.the.hell, the world is big, and not everyone was raised by a single mother that your dad managed to impregnate just because of 7 shots of tequilla. There are more things outside the borders, where love meant something. Respect meant something. Responsibilities meant something.

Imitation end.

They're short.
Very short.
Cause i'm seriously getting rusty.

Ah well.

At least i can still blog.(ish).
And i've still got something i can call a skill(ish).

Adios!