Dreamer dreaming on~

A land in reality, a world we don't see, a realm that flutters on the plains of the mind.

Nothing like good ol' depression to make me come back here.

I return, a dreamer.
A stubborn dreamer.
With questions, and a massive state of confusion.

Have we underestimated dreamers?
Have we misunderstood the ability to dream?

Is it a crime...
Is it a disease...
Is it wrong?
Is it morally incorrect?
Is it socially unacceptable?

It the answer is no to all, then WHY DOES'T IT FEEL LIKE IT?
Why do people react like it is?

Dreamers are risk takers
Dreamers aim big
Dreamers aim HUGE
Dreamers CREATED the economic market
Dreamers provide jobs for the people
Dreamers put food on your table.

Dreamers are looked down upon.
Dreamers are crazy.
Dreamers are scared of reality
Dreamers hide from the truth.
Because most dreamers out there are just that:
Dreamers.

Can we say one's standards are too high or all the others were too low?
Does one aim so big or the others aim so small?
We have a preset standards somehow etched into out mind.
If its wrong, then who do we follow?

Do we follow......do we follow....
Should one follow, best not blindly.
Blindly following makes one a fool.
Do we lead? Can we lead?
What does it take to lead?

It takes a dreamer to lead.
An ambition.
Imagination.
Creativity.
Leadership qualitites.
Strong sense of logic.
Wisdom and knowledge.
Rightous.
Just.
Fair and understanding.
Patient.

Is it wrong to aim for those qualities?
Or is that aim too big?
Again, by WHOSE standards?

I do not follow that which i do not understand.
I am in need of solving questions to advance.
The mind with an infinite capability is my weapon.
Infinite capabilities...
Is that not enough?

Are we looked down upon because of being different?
Are we looked down upon because our standards are too high?

If i aim to shoot the stars, i'll be happy to shoot the moon instead.
Happier than THEY, who never made such attempts.

I don't need a pessimist.

Fever~

Down with one.
It all starrted when a buunch of us made a very unplanned and unexpected trip to genting.

Yea.....just for coffee...

As a result, i was too sick to celebrate the 3rd month anniversary (still new. still only 3 months.) although i sort of had it planned. Can't reveal it here tho, i might need it later.

Anyway, fever has always been interesting. I hate it, but it's educational nonetheless.

It all started on friday night, when i had a deep and meaningful conversation with my toenails...

Ever heard of the language of the world?

The way they grew, the thickness, the length, the pointy edges, the smooth edges, were all saying something to me. They were telling me something without the use of words. I've always believed that there's something beyond words. Words are somewhat illisions that we made. By overestimating its importance, we become blinded to what is real, and what is simply words.

Imagine understanding body languages, facial expressions, not only of humans, but animals as well.
Most people can understand them without thinking. Most people send out messages without thinking, but say one has the ability to send out exact messages, intentionally. That would be something.
A universal language.
Animals can understand it, since they don't use words.
If we can do the same?


I haven't completely healed.
Maybe i'm getting more tonight.

Talking to my toenails plays an almost insignificant part in this.
But if you can take a concept and amplify it, learn from it even, it won't go to waste, since how can u say it's a waste of time if you learn something from it?

At the rate i'm going, if any of you think i'm crazy, speak up.
I do need to see it from an outsider's perspective.

You know how we have so many diseases now that can be easily cured, but normally leads to death afew hundred or thousand years back...
Damn they were healthy people.
We're getting weaker, and weakre ain't we...

The worlds' gonna end when tiny little imp-like creature invade our planet and kill us all cause we're so weak. Hoo hoo hoo...

BTW, from the "language of the world" concept... i think from all the earthquakes and its crazy frequency, the earth is pissed at us. It is in its design, to behave in such manner in reaction to us. That alone, is a message. From who then?
Is this one of the proof of god's existance?

Messengers~

I have a rough idea of how the messengers of god felt when they were given the responsibility of preaching His words.

I feel a slight fear in that sense as i'm typing this.

Originally, i'm a muslim.
Islam, being the religion.

But it never agreed with my heart. Not even islamic school taught when my mind was an absorbent sponge of 5 years or so.

To start with, i am willing to take the leap of faith.
To sacrifice every beliefs of the religion in order to find the truth.
With a clean intention, i started my research.
All these questions began to emerge and the religion itself, from an external persepective, becomes more and more controversial.

there's too much to type.

I have made the jump. I can't really turn back now.

Islam, was meant to be a universal concept. (As it states in the Book)
Islam, is not a religion. It is a way of life.
It is a SYSTEM.

Currently, i believe that i'm on the right track to understanding this universal system.

Jews, christians, muslims the world over, they say they're right while the others are wrong. They can't all be right can they?
We all know their origins - prophets came, they followed. Prophets left, they change the system to benefit themselves.

Therefore, there's a great corruption that i can see within the religion/s.

It is no longer God's system, but a man made system.
The latter i refused to follow. Despite the fact that my parents and ancestors have all followed it.

See what sort of cliff i jumped off now?

To them, i'm worse than an infidel (still the funniest word to me...infidel)

Imagine telling your mother all this.
Debating about it to her.

And she thinks you're misguided and crazy.

My method is of pure intentions, and it is proven to be more universal.

now, my faith is being tested.
wanna know how the test goes?

my parents and i will get into a huge debate or argument.
Should i give in to their possible threats, then my faith loses its integrity.
In this sense, i feel more lonely than i've ever felt before.
No morale support, unless they see the same way i do.
Morale support from someone who doesn't believe in my cause defeats the purpose.

Is this what the messengers felt when they were told to change the religion of hundreds of people? People who were violent, brutal, stubborn....
I wonder if i have enough faith to hold onto should my life gets threatened by this.

Lucky me, i don't HAVE to change them. No one told me to.
I have so much respect for them right now.

Hey~

Don't mind me,
I just have a fascination to typing.

I've realised lately that the future may not be as hard as i thought it would be.
Discovery.
Channel.
Is interesting.

Questions. Unsolved questions lingers in the air.
Our minds are all connected. In the realm of knowledge.
Unsolved questions that lingers would eventually latch onto a wondering mind.
A still mind, is a dead mind.

Where can we go to find wisdom that surpasses the test of time?
Ageless wisdom. Universal knowledge. Timeless knowledge.
Knowledge that survives its usefulness through the ages.

Do past lives exist?
Some believes so, some don't. But it doesn't prove any better.
Children believes in Santa Claus where adults believe in....?
Everything.

I keep getting dreams. Visions. Feels.
Like understanding Miyamoto Musashi, Leonardo DaVinci and the first Emperor of Egypt.
They saw past the barriers of communication. They ascended above the concept of words. Thoughts were not a word, not a sound. Thoughts were produced not only with the mind, but the whole body.

Thinking with all your mind is insufficient.

I've managed to bore myself to sleep.
Good night.

Hello Again~

I'm back.
Miserable NeoWakko.

I'm not angry, but what i feel now is good enough to substitute it.
My chain of good days ended, and i'm getting some major mood swings.

I've never been good with words. Words, to me, are as foreign as numbers.

I've been in a relationship that i am incredibly grateful for. It has gotten up afew notches in terms of development.
Easy and smooth going for too long i guess.
But there's always that certain thing in life that seems to balance things up.
She's leaving for overseas studies in 3 months.

Now, i'm not normally one who gets attached to people. I hate attachments. In my opinion, i'm supposed to be a creature of the skies. My normal self can be metaphorically put as a lonely bat. I like fruits too, only if it's peeled.
Daysleeping, colorblind me - with nothing in the world to really care about. Just me, and the well-being of my cave, which isn't hard to take care of, as you can see, you don't really do anything to caves. Just leave it alone and it will remain what it is, a cave.

Then she came along, and stood at the mouth of the cave. Like a ball of light, she sat there. Glowing away like nothing else i've ever seen before. I doubt she noticed me. But she sat there nonetheless. Glowing sadly all by herself.
Curiosity drew me in closer to her. Knowing well enough that i knew nothing of what she is. She could be a ball of fire, that would burn me if i get too close.

But weak i am, to curiosity, and i invited her into my home. Had she declined the offer it would've ended there, i would continue to dwell in my dark cave, and she would continue looking sad and go on with her life. But she didn't. She accepted my invitation, and entered my home. My little hole in the rock.

And as she entered she brought along her light. Her glow, her essence. And it shined upon the walls of my cave and with it i could see colours. Colours on my walls that i've never seen before. Colours that had been there all along. Excited I was, to this new discovery, this new element in my life.

"I'm not sad" she said, "i'm just lonely. Everyone else seems to think that i will burn them. They fear me for what they think i could do to them. I'm a freak of nature.."
The little bat looked at her, with the most comforting voice it could ever squeal out, it squeaked, "I am a little bat in a small cave. I sleep all day when everyone is awake, and i'm active when they are not. I live in the darkness they fear, and i stay away from the light they live in. You're not a freak of nature. At least to me."

And from then on they shared the cave. The bat kept her company while she continues glowing his cave, and there, far away from the other creatures, they made a cozy home together. Neglected they were, outcasts due to their nature, but together they're happy, and together they couldn't give a damn about the others. Cozy...warmth...

My god i hate the dark cave.

Emotions~

I remember my first lesson of emotion.
I was really young at that time. Younger than 10. Around 7 or so.
My mother did something which pissed me off to no end.
I wanted her to apologize, i wanted her to make up for it no matter what it takes.

If she had given me all the toys in the world, all the snacks i like, everything a child could ever dream of, my reaction would be, "Right, that's a good start, what else you got for me?"

Then all of a sudden, she's forgiven. Without lifting a finger.

And that's how i began to understand emotions.

A short entry for today.
Still too happy to blog.

I think i'm forcing it. Seriously. My thoughts are not in order. The message is not delivered across, it's thrown.

Tune in next time,

Restless~

I discriminate against those who do.
Hahah...... it's funny it it didn't carry such a magnitude.

There's another thing that's been in my head, not only the back, but all over, since i heard it awhile back.

I'm really sorry i'm bringing this one up.
But i feel the need to.
I have no intention on harming you in any way, or displease you.
I don't mean to offend, and i apologise in advance if it does.

So here goes,
A father refused to speak to his wife for 3 weeks because she bore him a daughter instead of a son, for a second child. First, a male. Which is somehow insufficient to fill a certain mysterious need.

Why.

Some may agree to some extent that his reaction is understandable, and his morals and values backed by the product of his upbringing through cultural environment could justify it. I think it's fucking crazy, and fucking wrong.

Through improvements in telecommunication, the world has become much much smaller.Our views of society is taken from a worldwide perspective. Technology such as the internet has pulled many of us together.
Will we, the youth of today, leaders/followers of tomorrow, lead/follow the right way?
Sometimes i do worry.

When no amount of help can change the wrong, i worry for the unborn.
What sort of environment would they be in?

Sometimes i think that my thoughts would be leading me someplace.
Most other times i think i'm full of shit.

A mind at unrest~

I have to admit, the previous entry was flawed in many ways. Plenty of things were uncalled for.

I've been to dangerous places, walked on evil territories, just to get a rough idea of what it is. Maybe was even too young at that time. But i found out that why people do the things they do is normally due to ignorance, fear, and weakness. It does piss me off when others get hurt due to an individuals' ignorance, fear or weakness. It's our responsibility to be wise, brave and strong - or we would be a burden to others.

To each his own. In some sense we are alone in this world. We're very much alone no matter what. Normally we're alone, but with people. But in the event that we're alone and all by ourselves, how strong are we? How independant are we?

Goddamn that was boring to read.

Oh, in the previous post i mentioned something about not being religous and stuff...
Actually, i believe, but i don't follow...yet.
I've decided to question what i don't think make sense.
My questions seems to have earned the "infidel" title.
I'm an infidel in the eyes of those who follow without believing.

If you were to choose from:
1. Believing but not following
2. Following but not believing
3. Half follow, half believe

Which would you pick?

I have made a decision, and the great majority opposes it.

argh.

Truth. I want the truth.

Sad.
Sad.
Sad.

Why am i so depressed?
I have no reason to be. At all.

In this sense, i can make myself sick.

A Boo Ya~

There was a period of time that took place recently where many bloggers seemed to have..... run out of fuel. They seem to be slowly getting back to their realms and began updating recently. I, one of them, well, i'm back-ish.

Anger was my fuel to write all the previous entries. Anger still is my fuel. I'm not angry now though.

There's a bit of guilt for leaving this realm without an update.
I'm just getting one thing off my back.

I'm not angry. I've been happy. Too happy to post an entry. So, for the sake of writing up an entry, i shall continue to write the first thing that pops in this blank head of mine.

Ah, there's something that's been in the back of my head.

I see a flaw in the system. No, not exactly the "system" but society. A flaw in the world, and it saddens me whenever i think about it or see it in front of my eyes.

Racists, sexists, the usual, gender or racial discrimination.....hits a nerve.
Maybe i lack understanding. I hope i do. If i'm right, that would sadden me more.
Are we bound by what was our birthright? Do we have a choice?
Are we to be judged by something we cannot change?
Are we to be punished by a crime we did not commit?

Crime, we did not commit. Only to their eyes, we did.
We are judged by our race, we are judged by our gender, we are judged by our beliefs.
I don't have the words to express the amount of fuel they provide me.

Back to the flaws:
I'll lay it all out in the open. For the first time. Although i will still hold back names of those involved though, for their privacy.

Being in a muslim country such as the one i'm in sucks balls. Muslim rules, muslim standards so and so and so. All these things came from what they THINK is best based on the religion. Basically, if you do wrong to an individual, that individual has the right to punish you. Do wrong to the society, the society punishes you. Do wrong to God, and the government punishes you based on their set standards for all muslims worldwide. But, on other parts of the planet, it follows a different standard. Which is right? which is wrong? which is good? which is better? we don't know. So, we follow. Because what i notice about the teachings of the religion in this country, and most other places, is that You --> Follow.

God created us to be leaders in this world, so in order to do that, we must follow.

God gave us each a mind of our own, capable of reasoning and judging, so we follow what those "pious" people says.

If there is no God, man would create one.
If God's message was simple, man would complicate it.
Why?
Because we like to sacrifice in the name of God.
When He doesn't need it.

Screw that.
Fool example 1:
It's like, a big, like, bonus point for the afterlife if you convert an INFIDEL (haha.. i like that word, infidel. An infidel calling another infidel always cracks me up. It sounds funny too)
So yea, they drill into our heads that converting somebody is a big uber ticket to heaven... and then there was me... walking along dating a chinese girl. You get remarks, stares, this and that. I mean, if all goes well, she'll HAVE to convert (cause the government is really big on taking over God's job..only in this country btw) and hey, i'd be scorin uber points for the afterlife no? If they help me out, they'll get some credits no? But NO, they'd rather bitch behind my back. Bitch behind her back.

"why not find a nice muslim girl....."
-Because, if she's gonna measure my piousness to her standards, i'm as religous as a rock.

I can honestly say that i can judge past race and religion. Most people say it as well, but not honestly.

Gender discrimination.....haha...
where-do-i-start.

I hate the way most husband treats their wives.
I hate the way most guys treat their girlfriends.
I hate the way the society sees "man" and "woman"
I hate seeing what i hate every single fucking day any fucking where i go.
Guys, male ego, they must talk louder, the pride, the way they feel they OWN somebody.

Newspaper today: Man can't pay his debt so he offered his girlfriend instead.
Yea, she got raped. Cause he can't pay his debt.

If i could fully express my hatred for this, your monitor would crack and explode.

I find certain things the society accepts as "morally incorrect".

I do appreciate the fact that i grew up with 3 sisters. It made me see things clearly. I mean, man normally really gets paranoid and gives a shit bout a female if she's
1. His girlfriend
2. His daughter.

"Wife" means no more trying to impress. "Wife" means no more going the extra mile. "Wife" means bound. "Wife" means full ownership.

Like buying a car. Pay installments..yada yadda.. when all that's done, it's ALL yours.

Screw that too.

Sorry to say this, but i find most chinese to be rude and racist.
I've known some really good ones, but i find that they, just, love themselves a BIT too much. they make the worst customers.
if you're reading this, and you're chinese, can you POLITELY speak to the waiters at a non chinese restaurant? Politely order, speak like you would to another human, just because they're serving you gives you no right to speak to them that way.

The ones i know, talk to them like how you would talk to ME. (Except you, Manja, if you're reading this.... cause that would be pretttty weird)

Do i sound racist now?
Do i sound like i've contradicted my previous point?
Or am i just a racist hater hating racists?

My muslim blogfriends, This is me, this is my belief. This is the product of what i've learned. I may have made afew mistakes writing this up, but my intentions do not change, it remains, and i think i've made it quite clear.

I feel sorry for her. Her world discriminates more than mine.

There's more to this. a whole lot more. i wanna let it out. Let it all out.
But, there's no point. To really let it out...hmmmm... i'd rather tell each and every one of you what i think. To your face.
The world i see i refuse to accept. The world discriminates and hates and tolerate each other when they should accept each other when they want to standardize things they shouldn't when they stress each other out until no longer one feels safe or free to live by their choices there, right there, i see chaos.





God's message was very simple, but he made us so complex.
We changed what was simple to a form closer to us.
Complex we are, but not wise.
And that's how the message got fucked.

Once upon a tyme~

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car
broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his
car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens
that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to
his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns
trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a
seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the
sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the
man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making
that beautiful sound is is to become a monk, then please, make
me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains
of sand When you find these answers, you will have become a
monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns
and knocks on the door of the monastery. "I have traveled the
earth and have found what you have asked for: By design, the
world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what
you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he
is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self
deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk
says, "The sound is beyond that door."

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the
wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the
key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made
of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald,
gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the
door! He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door
he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and
seductive sound... But I can't tell you what it is because
you're not a monk.

Yeay~

And so, Anfield lives to see another day...

Things will soon fall into place.
With those who are not meant to be, not meant to be,
and those who are meant to be, will be.

My gut feeling has been slacking off lately.
Maybe it's just taking a break.

My previous post didn't come out.
Which is, probably, a good thing.

Now all that's left is unsettled business with the fool,
and a great war worth fighting for.

Not to forget the happiness of others.
Being happy is a somewhat lonely feeling.
Being happy in a depressing world...
Feels like you're leaving comrades behind.

I know what they think though.
They think i'm crazy writing this.
No matter, i'll still feel lonely for it.
Happily.
Eh... wait..

watever.

Tune in next time,
NeoWakko's crusade continues...

An update.

It's like throwing darts made out of shit, and the target's a fan.

An update without much thought on consequences.
But an honest one.

1. Manda dun seem to come around anfield much these days.
2. Her new guy, so far, that i've heard, is an ass hole.
3. If she doesn't see what we ALL seem to see, she's just holding on to another time bomb.

If any of you think i should take this down before she sees it, tell me, and i will.

Dissappointment is in the eyes of Anfielders, if i'm not mistaken, on this matter.

In my opinion, you're trying something too hard. Not quite sure what.

And i think we're still willing to fight a war for you. For the time being.

Damn i need sleep.

Any my gut feeling havent' ticked yet for friday.

The new Anthem~

I think we have stumbled upon something that hits our spot.
An anthem for this chapter of our life.

Things going my way and it does feel funny.

I can proudly say that i am happy with life.
There are things in the back of my head though, but that's still considered a good thing.
Am i expecting 100% problemless life?
Be happy and satisfied with everything?

Might as well smoke up for that, and it is illegal for a reason.

~Here I go,
scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go,
there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one~

How many blogs did that come out on?
Haha... definitely an anthem.

I'm sure we're more....SATISFIED with this one.

Dareka no negai ga kanau koro ka?

Ah, Mon.
The darkest day of the week, the day no blessings reaches the earth.
The day God goes on a holiday, the day nothing turns right.
Happiness is the red cloth waved in front of us, only to be pulled away once we got close enough to breathe on it.
Then we find a sword down the back of our neck.

Sneaky indeed, this Mon.

We are the bull in this picture, the inverted bull, for whatever it is that comes out of us on the Mon is bullshit.

Happiness is something to fight for.
Happiness is made, not found. Made with your own blood and sweat.
A product of your mind.

On one hand i have my happiness, on the other, the happiness of others.
If you could keep only one, which would it be?
I picked mine, and i'm ready to suffer the consequences.

It definitely isn't something easy to obtain.
Neither was it an easy decision to make.
A question i pondered on for afew months in fact.

My mind, it troubles me when i need it the most.
Happiness does not last very long.

I need a holiday.

9.40, 18.80.

Vision~

I noticed that these days i seem to explore and observe less of the outside world, and more within myself.

Speaking of self, when was the last time you conversed with your self?
Your own self as a good friend is a highly recommended investment, you would never intentionally lie and cheat yourself for the benefit of yourself (since if you hurtt your other self, you would be effected as well, obviously)

I have 3, possibly 4 "state of mind" that i distinguished and categorized and labelled. Three individual selfs.
I do talk to them once in awhile, for a different point of view of things.
I do take care of them and have enough control of it to get along with life.
There's always one in control and the other as backup. Why i said possibly 4 was because the presence of the fourth one stopped when i was slightly older than 5 years of age. It comes around once in awhile. Rare, but it does.

My entries are becoming pointless and boring. I used to have more to say. Now i have more to think about.
If only words are better in function as a form of self expression.
No i'm no poet, i don't get poetry even.
But i think a part of me does.
A part of me feel each word passing through, each emotion, the authors' pain, happiness, joy, and sorrow at the way each words are arranged.

It's an art, as how an artist would blend the colours properly, arrange them. An invisible systematic process that could only be seen by breaking it down.

But words are everywhere, unlike gold, diamonds or rubies.
Nothing is special when its' everywhere, it even loses its' value.
Like paint, words are everywhere.

Humans get so attached to things that triggers their emotions.
Vision, scent, touch, hearing, taste.
Our 5 senses are doorways to our emotions.
Without our proper control over them, someone else would be.
Words... doesn't really fall under any of those 5 categories does it?

Words uses a totally different doorway of its own to our emotions, our minds. The most valuable possession of all.

Kutabare soushite shine~

"had a bad day again
she said i would not understand
she left a note and said i'm sorry i
had a bad day again

she spilled her coffe, broke her shoelace
smeared the lipstick on her face
slammed the door and said i'm sorry i
had a bad day again

and she swears there's nothing wrong
i hear her playing the same old song
she puts me off and puts me on

and had a bad day again
she said i would not understand
left a note and said i'm sorry i
had a bad day again"

Nothing relevant. Just had a chain of bad days.
A bad combo.
And God appears to be on a holiday.

Audience~

It's nice to know people still read my blog... =:p

Sometimes, the spur of the moment can make one jump onto the stage to join in the act.
Maybe it's human flaw, maybe it's the adrenaline, maybe you're supposed to.

Who here can lie to themselves convincingly?
I wonder.

At first there was me, then i split into two.
I was then able to talk to me, who i think is right, but i think i'm not wrong.
I wonder what i think about in this matter. I like chocolate but i like vanilla.
I think it's half empty but i think it's half full.
If i split into another and become 2 individuals, i would kill myself.

Should i remain in the audience when i know what needs to be done on stage?
Should i solve their dilemma and start a new one?

...another pointless entry which holds no meaning, no secrets, no messages.

But something needs to be sacrificed and something will be sacrificed.
But for which greater good?

A Play~

I was an audience of a play last night.
A play i criticised so much before watching, but left me contemplating about plenty of things after.

Whoever said that life is a stage was right - a fact that i realised when i was 5 but forgot about afew years later.

It does clear things up abit.

Depressing.
Everything is so depressing.
The world's a mess, and one would look into oneself to find the answer, and the deeper he looks, the messier the mess he saw. Reflect upon others as how he reflected upon himself, and if he was an other, he would definitely not be concerned of himself.

I'm not the main character in my tragic life story. I am an audience. The story is mine, it is about me, but no, i am one with the audience.
I sit and watch the actors following their storyline, each with their own premade scripts and i watch them interact with one another.
I watch them. They die inside and break many tears i watched them.

My world is a stage, one i'm not on like all the performers.
The stage is no place for me.
I am the one in the audience who would help those tragic actors and actresses if i could, but i am, an audience. I could only watch what i could not reach for. A puzzle i could solve that is beyond my grasp.

In the audience i sit while they share their pain and sorrow for all to feel. In the audience i sit while my emotions eat me up alive. In the audience, to the unreachable stage, i sit helpless.

Should i seem angry and not tell you about it, should i seem angry and not share it with you, should i seem angry and i do not look to you, then chances are, i'm angry at you.

Pyramids past life?~

A dream. Like all other dreams, came from nowhere, with no sign or left any of its traces behind.
It came and went, like all the others.

I was in the mind of an old dying man. One who had accomplished many things in his life, one who was the greatest of them all. One who died without regrets.

I was in the mind of a man full of wisdom, full of knowledge, but not life.
He yearned for immortality for he knew his time was coming to an end.

He was wise enough not to fight a battle he can't win.
He knew that he was going, but the question then was what to leave behind.

Like all the others, he worshipped the sun.
The sun brings life to all.

This man lay awake at sunset, and he saw stairs coming up from the ground towards the sun.
"A stairway to the sun..." he thought.
"I will leave behind, a stairway to the sun, for i had proven better than my predecessor, and no other shall succeed over me"

Thus huge steps were built, narrowing at the top where it represents the incredible distance, and contrary to most beliefs, the people were honoured to build it. They were not slaves, they were his people, and that was the last time they could serve him.
Much of the construction was in sorrow. They knew the reality of what they were building.

One the king has been buried in the building, they sealed the steps with limestone, so no one could follow behind him, and so that he could not turn back from his journey to the sun.

The air is thick with lies~

Nothing seems right for long.
I could be thinking about a bright and happy future,
and the next second, homicidal thoughts.
Not seriously homicidal, just anger.

My heart doesn't pump like normal anymore.
It's pumping so much hate.
So much hate it keeps me up at night.
It makes me sick in the mornings.

The only good thing about it is that my injured finger feels numb.
I know there are people i know reading this blog.
I know some of them may be about you.
But this is it, i'm laying them out.

Again, the air is thick with lies.
I live in a big lie.
I seek the way of truth, and followed it.
But now i'm very much lost.

I'm in need of help in ways no one can.
I have lost the truth, and found much lies.
The stories go around, and each passing, a sentence is added.
The air is thick with lies.

Lies so thick i'm choking.